Relationships

I grew up in the golden age of boy bands and sitcoms. N’SYNC and Backstreet Boys ruled airwaves. Saved By The Bell, Family Matters, and Boy Meets World ruled TV screens. Glorious times.

But the days of boy bands and sitcoms ran its course. This is life, right? Things come and go. Even the best show, movies, etc. operate on borrowed time. What once was exciting and intriguing becomes monotonous and boring.

So, naturally, that brings us to sexual purity (please notice the sarcasm). But really? What happened? Has sexual purity become like Family Matters and N’SYNC? Did awkward, fear-based conversations about sex fill classrooms and late night devotionals so long it left Christians tired of the topic?

Whatever the case, sexual purity is lost…and needs to be found. It is important. And I pray this post awakens conversations and ignites hearts towards the purity God desires.

Here are 5 very important truths about sexual purity we need to consider.

1.) Virginity is not the win.

[blockquote cite=”Matthew 5:27-28″ type=”left”]You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.[/blockquote]

Now I have your attention. Look, I do not want to minimize the value of virginity. It is important. But Christians need to re-define the “win.”

“But aren’t virginity and purity the same thing?”

And herein lies the problem with purity…and virginity. They are not the same thing. Virginity is an outpouring of purity. And until Christians understand that purity is deeper than external actions, we will never grasp God’s plan and vision for sexuality.

[tweet_box design=”default”]To fully grasp God’s vision of sexuality, we must stop making purity and virginity equal.[/tweet_box]

Christians are not “winning” if they arrive at their wedding day free from sex but saturated with lustful thoughts. Church, are we really so misguided to think we are “winning” if we refrain from sex before marriage but can’t look at someone of the opposite sex without turning them into objects?

Sexual purity must begin with a pure heart and mind. If we begin anywhere else, we risk dangerous outcomes. We risk allowing something as noble and righteous as virginity to become an idol. We risk telling a generation of young people that “how far can I go?” scenarios are ok as long as you don’t have sex. And, most importantly, we risk making light of the cross (more on this in a minute).

Christians need to celebrate virginity. We need to pursue it. But let’s not allow virginity to be the “win.” If we teach that God’s design for sexual purity begins with the heart and mind, virginity will be a natural outpouring.

2.) God IS purity and purity should be important to Christians.

[blockquote cite=”1 Thessalonians 4:3, 7″ type=”left”]It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality…For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.[/blockquote]

A deep layer of apathy towards sexual purity rests underneath the culture today. And the layer is made of tissue paper.

Purity is the essence of God. Purity IS God. And God created us to reflect his image. But when sexual purity takes a backseat in our heart and mind, it is impossible to reflect God’s image to the world.

[tweet_box design=”default”]When sexual purity takes a backseat it is impossible to reflect God’s image to the world.[/tweet_box]

Sexual purity is not out-dated, overstated, culturally irrelevant, or any other catchy phrase. I argue the opposite. In a world where multiple partners and a flippant approach to purity are the norm, God’s plan for sexual purity is more relevant than ever. The world needs to see a different model.

Take note of the verse above. It says God’s will is to avoid sexual immorality. Wait…what’s God’s will? China? Plant a church?

How about avoid sexual immorality. #wow.

Sexual purity sets us apart from the world. Purity is God. Instead of buying cultural lies and trendy sexual mindsets, Christians need to show the world a “new” (again, facetious) way to look at sexual purity. A way designed by the Designer.

3.) Sexual purity is not a one-time event.

This is an unfortunate side effect of point 1. And it marginalizes people who believe mistakes prevent them from being accepted by God. Most sermons and lessons send a clear message, “God doesn’t like people who have sex before marriage.” If this is you, I empathize. I heard the message growing up.

And when I made mistakes, the church was not a safe place for me.

Sexual purity is not a single event in time. It is a process of transforming into the likeness of God. Yes, if someone has sex before marriage, virginity will never be reclaimed. And I will say it again: Christians should strive for sexual abstinence before marriage. This is God’s design, not mine. Don’t kill the messenger.

But please understand, God does not give up on us if we make mistakes. He is not wagging his holy finger at us in disgust. And for those marginalized by Christians for sexual mistakes, I apologize. This should never happen. It is not reflective of the gospel.

God loves us infinitely. He has big plans for our life. He wants us to have a great marriage. And most importantly…God forgives us. Completely. No matter how bad we screw up.

4.) Purity is a result of the cross.

[pullquote cite=”Kyle Idleman” type=”left”]There are not enough deeds or donations in the world to buy an ounce of the purity we need.[/pullquote]We all fail when it comes to sexual purity. Thank God for the cross. The cross wipes the slate clean. It gives us the opportunity to stand before God unblemished. It says Jesus now stands in our place.

The cross also means sexual purity is not about us. It is about Jesus. Jesus makes us pure. And the Spirit gives us the power to withstand. We do not become sexually pure by trying with all of our might to withstand the passions and desires of the flesh. It won’t work.

And this is some of us. Every time we turn on that computer, we go back to the same websites. Every time we see the opposite sex, we lust instead of looking at those individuals as God’s creation. And our response to this? Try harder next time. But next time turns into next time. Eventually we get to the point where change seems impossible.

I know. I have been there.

Sexual purity begins with the cross and continues as the Spirit works on our hearts.

5.) Sexual purity requires a lifestyle change.

“Is sexual purity important?” I doubt any follower of Jesus would answer “No.” But our actions reflect something different. Sexual immorality is a theme in almost every movie, tv show, and song. The days of family friendly tv are basically out the window.

I miss you Saved By The Bell.

Yet, Christians continue to watch movies glorifying sexual immorality and listen to music objectifying men and women created in God’s image. And we wonder why lust and pornography content from sources like hd tube movies are so popular and prevalent.

Until we start to value purity more than a good time or a few laughs, we will be plagued with lustful minds and impure hearts.

[tweet_box design=”default”]Christians must value purity more than a good time or a few laughs.[/tweet_box]

We must have some boundaries. We must practice and pray for self-control. Do a word study on “self-control.” There might not be a more important quality to nurture as a follower of Jesus.

Purity ultimately is about the cross. But refusing to pursue holiness is an abuse of cross. Refusing to create boundaries and exercise self-control in the name of entertainment is a mockery to God.

Sexual purity is essential for men and women walking in the footsteps of Jesus.

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Much more could be said. But my goal here is to provide “talking points” and re-ignite our hearts to pursue sexual purity. This purity doesn’t rob us of life. It increases life. When God’s parameters are our parameters, life abounds. I dare you to try it.

Joy also increases because we know our impurity becomes purity through Jesus Christ. Love increases because we know purity is not dependent on our goodness and decisions. And these should catapult us towards holiness.

Purity is the gospel. Purity IS God. For this reason, it needs to be discussed…and pursued.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

Ever been in a conversation where a statement that is made leaves you shaking your head? And you start wondering whether this individual has any idea the context of the conversation. Therefore, I recommend reading dating advice from https://www.dating9.com rather than you get to the point where the sources gets terrible. After the bad advice “pow-wow” breaks, you have to do damage control.

But most of the time the damage is done. This is the problem with advice, in general. Especially if someone comes asking for it. Whether the sage (I use the term loosely) delivers good or bad advice, the individual asking will heed it.

I wish I could tell you Christians never give bad advice. Unfortunately, I would be lying. This is just another product of our brokenness. Christians have a tendency to make statements that, if they were tangible, would be some form of smelly poo or rotten milk. And I am guilty as well.

Combine the potential to deliver bad advice with a strange topic like dating, the chance of smelly poo or spoiled milk increases exponentially. Let’s be real, church. Dating is strange to us. We know we will be inevitably confronted with it. But we are not sure what to do when the confrontation happens. Some assume dating ends in something really bad (you know what I mean). Others fully embrace it. The rest are just bamboozled by the topic altogether.

I embrace dating (not me dating, but dating in general). I believe Christians must talk about it. And we must advise people, young and old, about the positive and negatives of dating as a follower of Jesus.

With that said, if someone comes to you for advice, the individual expects you to provide them with advice. But, for the love of all things good and righteous, avoid these statements.

Here are 8 terrible pieces of dating advice Christians give.

1.) “Follow your heart.”

[pullquote cite=”Proverbs 14:12″ type=”left”]There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.[/pullquote]Now this piece of advice appears logical. Someone comes to you for advice. The individual has feelings for another person. But doubt or uncertainty is also present. So, how do you move forward? “Just follow your heart.”

Steer clear of the rotten milk. Here’s why this statement is toxic. Riding the waves of emotions and logic will eventually lead to a crash landing. Emotions and logic can be helpful. They can also be deceitful. Like a blind man relying on his cane. It can be helpful. But relying on a cane to get from the house to the store? Not a good idea.

A better option? Follow the advice of others. Pray for clarity. Seek the Lord.

2.) “You are married to Jesus. Focus on your relationship with him.”

This is another piece of advice that seems good. As long as you aren’t the one receiving it. And you aren’t a dude. Ever heard a guy receive this piece of advice? Me neither.

This is more a copout than a piece of advice. The statement is legitimate, yes. Jesus must be the center of a relationship. Your love for him must be significantly greater than your love for any other person. But what Christian doesn’t know this?

3.) “You should always date to marry.”

I need to be careful here. Don’t want to contradict myself. I believe strongly in intentional dating. I also believe strongly in Christians dating Christians (more on this later). But refusing to date unless you are sure the individual is “marriage material” is overkill.

Christian dating is a lot about figuring out yourself. Not to mention having this cloud hovering over any relationship adds unnecessary pressure to it. Dating should be fun. It should be pure. And it doesn’t have to end in marriage. These relationships can teach you something about yourself that prepares you for the one you will one day marry.

I say that is valuable. You decide for yourself.

4.) “Stop being so picky.”

[pullquote cite=”John Gottman” type=”right”]People who have higher standards and higher expectations for their marriage have the best marriages, not the worst.[/pullquote]Look, marriage is forever. God designed it this way. So you should never compromise on the values you have for a spouse. Make a list. Keep the list close. And make sure any potential spouse meets the qualities on your list.

This goes for dating as well. It is better to remain single for a lifetime than compromise values just to marry. It never ends well for people who do this.

Those who have a high standard in a spouse will have a high standard in marriage. Having a high standard for marriage is an important value for having a great marriage. And God desires couples to have great marriages. It is worth waiting months or years to find the person who meets the standards you believe are essential.

So, if you hear someone telling you to stop being so picky, be sure the advice is bad. Spoiled milk.

[tweet_box design=”default”]It is better to remain single for a lifetime than compromise your values just to marry.[/tweet_box]

5.) “It’s ok to date a non-Christian…just don’t marry one.”

There are certain non-negotiable filters in dating. This is one. Christian dating can be a field day for Satan. He uses dating like he uses everything inherently good…To spread lies and destroy your life.

For this reason, date someone who shares your values. Shares your passion for Jesus. Shares your desire for purity. It’s not that dating a non-Christian is sinful. The Bible never talks about dating. But it is critical to date people who won’t create tension between the desires of the flesh and the will of God.

[tweet_box design=”default”]Don’t date people who create tension between desires of the flesh and the will of God.[/tweet_box]

Dating Christians doesn’t ensure this won’t happen. But Christians should work with you to pursue the holiness God desires.

6.) “You will meet your spouse when you stop looking.” 

You know who makes statements like this one? People who are married…or really old. No offense to my older people. Love you guys (and girls). The idea with this statement is you are trying to hard to find a spouse. But you are adding unneeded pressure and stress in the process.

This is the picture I get when I hear this statement.

Instead of trying to find a spouse at every corner, you proceed to sit at the house with a bag of Nachos or ice cream. And wait. Then, magically, a cute, Jesus-following guy or girl rings the doorbell with a box of chocolates (or, for the dudes, a jersey from your favorite sports team), asks you out on a date, and the rest is history.

Of course, we know this is garbage. And if you are the one person reading this who had this experience, don’t leave me a comment. Thanks.

The better solution: pray for a spouse (if you believe this is God’s design for your life). Live expectantly. Don’t force what God is not ordaining. But go to work, school, wherever, with eyes open to how God is moving in the world around you…Whatever you do, don’t compromise.

7.) “Singleness is a gift from God.” 

Again, this is a copout answer to someone most likely struggling with singleness. Like the woman who is struggling to get pregnant. Or the person who lost a family member to cancer. Copout answers don’t work.

Yes, singleness is a gift from God. I believe God calls certain people to singleness to show himself to them in a way relationships never would. But don’t tell that to the guy or girl who sees friends progressing down life’s natural road.

The better response? Ask questions. Allow those struggling with singleness to share emotions and frustrations. Encourage them in Christ. But, as a general rule, stay away from copout statements like this one.

8.) “There are plenty of fish in the sea. It’s time to move on.”

I remember the first time a girl broke up with me. I was distraught. The break up taught me a lot of relationships and dating. But the future lessons learned didn’t remove the present pain.

We are not robots with an on-off switch. Relationships hurt. Rejection hurts. Moving on hurts. Hurting another person hurts. You see the idea? We have emotions. And dealing with emotions isn’t a mechanical process. This statement implies that emotions aren’t important.

If you are a parent with a teen hurting from a break up, don’t dismiss your teen’s emotions. Don’t minimize them either. Help them process. It could be a catalyst for growth.

If you have a friend dealing with the pain of rejection or a failed relationship, walk with them. Don’t encourage moving on when emotions are raw. Be a friend. Listen. Process. Pray.

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Granted, most of these statements are true. But a true statement is not always a good piece of advice. Discernment must be used. Always.

It’s your turn. What are some other bad pieces of dating advice you have received? Leave a comment below. Let’s continue the conversation.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

Ever been in a conversation with someone, and a statement they make causes you to cringe? Those are awkward, right? The issue of marriage is one of those topics that produces cringe-worthy answers. Often. So many people use books or movies to give them a framework for marriage. You know the movies where everyone lives happily ever after. Or the one where the couple never has an argument. Ever. Everyone is rich and happy. Man, give me some of that.

And for so many, this is marriage. A series of two-hour movies where fake people learn fake roles and portray a fake idea of marriage.

But honestly…Is anyone prepared for marriage? Of course not. ‘Tis life. But make no mistake. There are attitudes and mentalities that are toxic to a marriage. And many people, simply by the answers they give or the qualities they value, reveal they are not ready for marriage.

So, here are 6 statements from people not ready for marriage.

1.) “I have a lusting problem…but marriage will fix that.”

Wrong. You want a case-in-point? Alright. I will use myself. When I got married, I struggled with lust and pornography. “No worries,” I thought. Once I get married, those will go away. I can have sex whenever. And this is the lie Satan told me. He will tell you the same one.

But listen, if you have a lusting addiction or you enjoy sites like fulltube xxx a bit too much, marriage will NOT fix it.

This is why I hate Satan so much. He destroys marriages before they even start. I know personally of couples who married because they could not control their physical desires. Basically, they got married so they could have sex.

And they are no longer together.

Why? Did they not fix their problem by getting married? No. Because the problem is not physical. And therefore something physical will not heal them. The problem is the heart. Look at Matthew 5:27-30. Jesus talks very explicitly about this.

If you have a lusting problem and believe marriage is the answer to your problem, you have bought a lie. It is equal to fixing a broken leg with a band-aid. You are trying to attack a heart issue with an external issue. Not going to work.

You need to work on the sin that lies underneath. Do some business with your heart.

2.) “If I get married I won’t be lonely anymore.”

If you believe marriage will fix your loneliness, you are putting a weight on marriage it will not be able to withstand. Eventually your marriage will collapse. You are expecting your spouse to do things and act in ways inconsistent with a healthy marriage. Or a healthy relationship, for that matter. Your spouse is your companion. Your best friend. He or she is a source of comfort during times of difficulty. All of these are true. And praise God for this.

But none of these will fix your loneliness. Only God will fix that. If loneliness is driving you to think about marriage, let me direct you to the first commandment. Love God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind (Matt. 22:37).

Your loneliness is a relationship issue. You have diagnosed the problem correctly. But you are seeking the wrong medicine for the cure. To be healed, you must deepen your relationship with God.

3.) “I never lose an argument.”

Hold on, let me give you an award. Here you go. It’s called the, “I would rather be right than have any meaningful relationships award.” And it goes to any person with this attitude. Congrats.

If you get into a marriage believing you must win every argument, you might succeed. But you will lose your marriage in the process. Marriage is not about winning arguments. Marriage is not even about being right. It is about sacrificially loving and serving another person.

Want a good case study for this? C’mon up Jesus. Take the stage.

Jesus could have won every argument. Ever. He is God. No one can stand up against infinite knowledge. But the Pharisees questioned and mocked Jesus before he went to the cross. And Jesus said nothing. Nothing…let that sink it for a second. Could you pull that off? I would have at least turned one of those dudes into a pillar of salt. Just for fun. Don’t judge me.

Jesus knew something every person desiring marriage should remember…winning the war is more important than winning battles. Jesus could have put those Pharisees in their place. But his goal was not to beat the Pharisees in a war or words. It was to beat Satan at the cross.

Marriage is not about having the last laugh. Or winning every battle. So, make a decision. Will you try to win every argument…or maintain a healthy, Christ-centered marriage? You can’t have both. Make a choice. Now.

[tweet_box design=”default”]Marriage is not about having the last laugh. It is not about winning every battle.[/tweet_box]

4.) “Marriage is all about sex.”

What distinguishes marriage from every other relationship on earth? “Well, it’s sex, Frank. Every one knows that. I can’t wait to get married so I can have sex.” And you will be severely disappointed in marriage. Sex is an amazing gift God has given to a man and a woman who enter into the sacred bond of marriage. But a marriage built on sex will not sustain and in time will leave you looking for some indication that your wife is cheating. If this is you, check out this article titled, “Signs wife is cheating” for more information.

Hollywood glamorizes and romanticizes sex. Just like marriage. But what Hollywood portrays and the real world actuates are very different. Hollywood is a lie. Just in general. But especially with sex.

Sex is a phenomenal, amazing gift from God. But be careful not to make sex an idol. It is not the foundation of your marriage. That is God’s role. Sex is a piece of your marriage that points you to the foundation.

5.) “I am ready to get married so I can start a family.”

I have two boys. And in the process of adoption. I love my family. My family is amazing. I love them more than words can describe. But I did not marry because I wanted a family. I married because I found a woman who fears the Lord. And I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving and serving her. I often times suck at it. But this was my motivation for marriage.

We live in a culture today that idolizes our kids. They become the center of marriages for two or three decades. Then kids leave the house. And their absence leaves an enormous hole. One that is very difficult to fill. Believe me. I have seen it personally.

[tweet_box design=”default”]Marriage has a hierarchy. And it goes like this. God > Spouse > Children.[/tweet_box]

Marriage has a hierarchy. And it goes like this. God > Spouse > Children. Healthy marriages maintain this hierarchy. Children are NEVER more important than your spouse. Maybe you have seasons where they demand more of your attention. But they never become more important than the relationship with your spouse. Mess up that hierarchy and your marriage will not sustain.

The best thing you can do for your children is show them what it looks like to passionately pursue and protect the relationship you have with your spouse. And, in a culture that values longevity in marriage as much as yesterday’s newspaper, your children could learn a lot from watching you love your spouse well.

But this attitude doesn’t start with marriage. It starts before. Make finding a God-fearing, servant-minded spouse your goal. Then, if God gives you the gift of children, love them. Teach them. Serve them. But do not mess up the hierarchy. This is not healthy for your marriage…or your children.

6.) “When I get married, I will straighten out my life.”

Yeah, you are right. Marriage will straighten out your life…for a few months. I thought marriage would be the catalyst for my transformed life. You know, the one where I would take life seriously. Stop doing all those crazy things single people do. Partying all night. Regularly having a chat with sexy men or women. Having no ambition. This was my mentality, remember.

And my relationship with Tiffani did point me to Jesus. But if you are looking for another person to give you ambition and purpose, you are drinking some dangerous kool-aid. And eventually the kool-aid will run out. And many times, when the kool-aid disappears, so does the ambition and purpose.

Start living with purpose now. Start being ambitious now. You shouldn’t need a spouse to tell you to stop drinking and smoking. Stop now if you believe this is what you should do. Be self-motivated. This will only put you in a better position when your spouse does come along.

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Those are 6 statements from people not ready for marriage. But there are many more. What statements I did not mention? Leave a comment below and let me know what you think.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!