Relationships

I remember watching What Women Want not long after its release in 2001. The movie chronicles a man, Nick Marshall, who receives a fresh perspective on women after a fluke accident. And by “fresh perspective,” I mean he has the ability to read women’s minds. Sounds fascinating, right? I thought so too.

Then I watched the movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I laughed quite often. But I was also terrified. I left the theater with one of those “I just saw a ghost” looks. Totally dazed and confused. For like two hours, I vowed never to date a woman again. I would be single the rest of my life, maybe become a monk or something. Singleness would be easier than trying to figure out a woman.

Fast forward 15 years. I’ve been married to an amazing woman for 12 years, we have three children, and our marriage gets better every day. I’m still convinced women are the most beautifully complex beings on earth, but it’s possible to understand what they need.

By no means do I have women (or anything else, for that matter) figured out, as if such a thing exists. Instead, I write as a man who loves his wife and wants to know her better. If you’ve ever thought, “I just can’t figure her out” maybe this post can be a launching pad to deeper conversations with your spouse.

Here are 10 things your wife won’t tell you she needs.

1.) Security and protection

The world is uncertain and unreliable, and your wife needs you to create a culture of stability, a place where she can rest from the world’s craziness.

Your wife also wants you to protect your marriage from outside attacks. And I’m not talking about physical attacks (although, of course, that’s part of it). She wants you to fight for purity. Here’s an example. A man I would call my second father told this story several years ago. While living in Florida, his wife stayed at home with the kids. More days than not, she went to the beach. That’s what you do in Florida. But not this man. He never went. Ever.

At this point in his story, I was puzzled. Who would choose to stay away from the beach? Sun. Sand. Sharks. What more could you want? Then he explained why, and I will never forget his words.

“At the time, I struggled with lust, and protecting the purity of our marriage meant more than a few hours of relaxation.”

That’s called fighting for your marriage.

The greatest threat to your marriage is, of course, Satan. So, husbands, if you want evil to stay outside, you must let Jesus in. Every day, make sure your wife knows Jesus is the most important person in your marriage.

2.) Undivided attention

Husbands, your wife needs your undivided attention. She wants to feel valued. Making sure you focus on her is a huge component of feeling valued. And, guys, you need to know something about undivided attention. The word “undivided” means…not divided.

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

Right. But most husbands don’t understand why their wife doesn’t feel valued even though they sat on the couch together for three hours. Here’s why. You stared at the TV or your phone most of the time while occasionally nodding your head, pretending to listen. That’s called divided attention.

Guys, you’re not spending quality time with her because you’re in the same general area. This isn’t about proximity. This is about posture and attitude. When you wife speaks, look at her. Eye contact says you’re valuable.

Your wife won’t tell you this, but she needs undivided attention. And she should. If you don’t turn off the TV or put down the phone when your wife speaks, you’re not just sending your wife a signal. You’re sending yourself one. You’re saying your relationship isn’t important.

3.) Open and Honest Communication

Generally speaking, guys don’t want details. If I’m talking with friends, I don’t care for details. If they’re are necessary for making a decision, by all means, give me the details. Otherwise, I only need the important stuff.

Your wife is wired differently. When she says, “How was your day?” she wants the details. “It was good” is more of a slap in the face than a sufficient response to her question. Your wife loves you, and she wants to know everything about you, even stuff you consider insignificant. But she probably won’t tell you this.

Communication is the linchpin of a healthy relationship. Anytime I withhold information from Tiffani, whether I am scared of how she will respond, I want to “protect” her, or I just don’t have the energy to share all the details, it goes bad. The longer I’m married, the more I realize the importance of open and honest communication.

Even if openly communicating means revealing painful information, your marriage will be better off in the long run. For many years, I hid a pornography addiction from Tiffani. She discovered my addiction only when she opened my computer and stumbled across a pornographic site. I was always afraid to tell her because I didn’t want to hurt her. Turns out, the wound she sustained was deeper (and took longer to heal) because she discovered it rather than me being honest with her.

Husbands, your wife (and your relationship) needs open and honest communication.

4.) Help with daily tasks.

Marriages don’t have assigned tasks. You won’t hear phrases like “that’s her job” in a healthy marriage. Whether your wife stays at home or works 9-5, you should help with daily tasks. And husbands, know this. She probably won’t tell you she wants help. But she does.

So, change a diaper without being asked. Fold the clothes. Clean the dishes. Maybe you’re tired from work. Maybe your wife doesn’t like to clean. But instead of coming home and telling her exactly how you feel, be a servant. Clean the house yourself. Pick up the dishes yourself. There can be times when circumstances won’t allow one to do this on a regular basis, but the cleaning doesn’t have to stop; not when there is Maid2Match online cleaning service.

Help your wife. Do so without being asked. Her respect for you will increase exponentially.

5.) A break

Culture places impossible expectations on women. Your wife feels those expectations. She might be completely overwhelmed. She might feel totally inadequate. She might be exhausted, sick, or hurting. But she won’t tell you. And if you ask, she will probably say, “I’m fine.”

Husbands, first and foremost, you should understand the weighty expectations on your wife. Be sympathetic to them. Secondly, you must look beyond the words. Don’t ignore them, but don’t accept them either. Watch her. Study her. When you notice her struggling, step in and give her a break. Give her permission to sit down or get out of the house.

Ask her what needs to be done, and do those things. This will not only help her, it will improve your marriage. 

6.) A leader

Before diving into this point, let’s define leadership. You ready? One word…servant.

Leading your wife has nothing to do with rigid rules or doing things your way. It’s not about control, manipulation, or selfish gain. Husbands, if you use power selfishly way, God will hold you accountable.

If you want to know whether you’re leading your wife well, look at whether she lives with courage. Is she unafraid to fail? Is she using her gifts? Show me a woman who feels empowered and isn’t afraid to fail, and I will show you a husband who leads well.

Great leaders empower others.

My relationship is healthiest when I make Jesus the top priority, take my job seriously, choose hard decisions over easy ones, and serve my wife. Husbands are the bedrock of the home. Selfish, passive husbands create unhealthy marriages (and families).

Don’t be one of those.

7.) Intimacy

Women need intimacy. This comes in many different ways. Undivided attention is one component. Holding her is another. Sex is yet another. But, husbands, you need to understand something. Your wife doesn’t see sex like you. Guys love the outcome of sex (the climatic ending). Women love this too, but they also love the process. For women, sex is emotional, as well as physical.

Husbands, if you’re selfish sexually, your wife will be reluctant to have sex with you (and, quite frankly, I don’t blame her.) For much of my marriage, I was very selfish with sex. And it affected our relationship. Explore sex with your wife. Caress her. Hold her. Talk about sex with her.

Your wife probably won’t tell you this, but she needs more than physical pleasure. She needs intimacy. Don’t be selfish sexually. Try things her way for a change. Think about her needs. In turn, your sex life (and your marriage) will improve.

8.) Thoughtfulness 

I don’t care much about dates. I know like five birthdays. One of those is mine. I can’t tell you how many times Tiffani has said, “Do you know it’s ________ birthday?” My wife NEVER misses a birthday. Her record on remembering birthdays is near perfect.

Guys, you might not care about birthdays and anniversaries, but your wife does. And, I’m not talking about remembering her birthday. God knows that would be a fatal error. This is about prioritizing birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine’s, or any other day she thinks is important.

The word here is thoughtfulness. Again, your wife wants to feel valued. When you prioritize special days, she feels valued.

Thoughtfulness also includes random text messages, reminding her you’re thankful for her. It means planning date nights. Basically, thoughtfulness means you think about her. Because here’s the thing. You can know you’re thankful for your wife, but if you don’t show her, it means nothing. She needs to know you love her.

She probably won’t tell you this, however. If you don’t go out of your way to make her feel valued, particularly on the “special” days, she might express frustration or sadness. Eventually, however, she will accept your actions as the way things are, but her doing this will hurt your relationship.

9.) Permission to be imperfect

Husbands, you must take the lead here. If you never talk about flaws or failures, your wife won’t either. But your wife (much like yourself) needs a space where she can be imperfect. She needs a space where she doesn’t have to put on a mask and pretend everything is ok.

Husbands, you must create this space.

This means listening, especially when she talks about her feelings. You might think her issues are trivial. You’d be wrong. If you write her off, eventually she will stop sharing and spend her days trying to be perfect.

There won’t be a declaration before this happens. You won’t hear, “That’s it. I tried sharing my feelings and being vulnerable. From this point forward, you won’t know how I’m feeling.” It will just happen. If or when your wife does this, your marriage will take an enormous hit. Fight for this space.

10.) Fun

Your wife doesn’t want you to fly her around the world as much as she wants day-to-day marriage to be fun. Marriage is ordinary and routine. But it should never be boring. A fun relationship can’t be bought. If it could, only a small percentage of couples would have fun. Everyone else would twiddle their thumbs until they died. How miserable!

The key to an adventurous marriage is finding the extraordinary in the mundane. Be present every day. Be spontaneous. Find ways to have fun in the familiar. Look for opportunities in the ordinary.

Your wife won’t tell you this, but she wants marriage to be fun and adventurous. And she should.

God created it, after all.

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It’s possible to know what your wife really needs. Discovering her underneath needs will require much effort, constant communication, and a steady stream of grace from both sides. But it can happen.

It’s your turn. I would love to hear from you. Wives, what do you really want from your husband? Husbands, what does your wife really want? Leave a comment below!

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

For over a year now, I avoided writing this post. I felt this nudge telling me to write it, and I ignored it. If I’m being honest, I’d rather be doing a million other things than this. But here I am, sitting in front of my computer about to share some information I believe someone needs to hear.

Let me explain. (Because let’s be real, my husband is the gifted writer in our family. No worries, I’m not trying to take over.) Here’s the most recent statistics according to Covenant Eyes:

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55% of married men say they watch porn at least once a month compared to 70% of not married men.

63% of adult men have looked at pornography at least on time while at work in the past 3 months; 38% have done so more than once.

64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women view pornography at least once a month (compared to 65% of non-Christian men and 30% of non-Christian women).

37% of pastors said viewing pornography was a “current struggle.”

75% of pastors said they do not make themselves accountable to anyone for their Internet use.

79% of 18-30-year-old, 67% of 31-49-year-old, and 49% of 50-68-year-old men say the view pornography at least once a month.

76% of 18-30-year-old, 16% of 31-49-year-old, and 4% of 50-68-year-old women say the view pornography at least once a month.

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Over a year ago, my husband blogged about overcoming his addiction to watching pornography. I knew the statistics. It wasn’t easy for us to share our struggle, but I knew the information would benefit someone. What I never considered was the response I, the spouse, received from that post.

There’s another side to the pornography epidemic no one talks about.

When I discovered pornography on my husband’s computer, I had NO CLUE what to do. Along with every insecurity you can imagine, I felt totally unequipped to respond. Please understand, I don’t write this claiming to have all the answers, nor do I claim to have handled everything the right way. I’m just a wife who walked the road millions are walking.

I don’t have 5 easy steps to heal your relationship. I don’t have one revelation that will make this go away. I only have insight into some ways to respond when you realize your spouse is addicted to pornography.

1.) Seek God.

Psalm 121 says, “I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”

If you skip this essential truth, there is no foundation for healing in your marriage. It’s easy to keep your eyes fixed on the hurt, the pain, and the brokenness. Keep your eyes fixed on the Healer if you want to walk down the road to healing.

2.) Get a grip on this statement: It’s NOT your fault.

If I were thinner. If I were more attractive. If I would have been a better wife. If I would have lost that baby weight faster. I probably deserve this because.

Satan LOVES to fill your head with insecurities. Seriously, he delights, not only in destroying your marriage, but destroying you as well. Your spouse’s struggle is NOT because of you and honestly, it’s not about you. Any book you read, any counselor you go to will confirm this. Don’t multiply Satan’s attempt to destroy your family with pornography by allowing untrue insecurities to consume you.

3.) Even when you are hurting, respond in love.

This is an emotional time for your family. It’s painful beyond imagination. And you’ve heard the saying: The people we love the most are the people we hurt the most. The saying is true. If your spouse is addicted to pornography, the most important you will ask is, “How will I respond?”

Consider the radical teachings of Jesus. When He came, He gave us this new way to respond to people who hurt us—even the people we love the most and the people who hurt us the most. When I found pornography on my husband’s computer, the love that Luke 6 talks about was NOT how my flesh wanted to respond. When I finally responded with the love of Jesus, the journey to healing and restoration began.

If you’re wondering if you’re responding to your spouse with love, here’s a good litmus test in Scripture.

1 Corinthians 13 shows you how LOVE responds: with patience and kindness, not envy or pride, not arrogance or rudeness, not insisting on your own way, not irritable or resentful (OUCH!), not rejoicing in wrongdoing, but rejoicing with the truth.

4.) Be the helpmate you vowed to be.

Be careful about how you respond to your spouse. The first time I discovered pornography, I immediately forgave my husband and thought ok we’ve moved past this. It’s not in the dark anymore. I’m good with him. He was very repentant. Life was moving on.

I was wrong. What I failed to do was walk with my husband through the healing process. When he confessed to having fallen back into the trap, I thought my life and our marriage was crumbling.

If your spouse is addicted to pornography, they will not be able to quit cold turkey.

[tweet_box design=”default”]External actions can’t be removed without internal replacements.[/tweet_box]

Just like all other things in life, external actions can’t be removed without internal replacements. Your spouse needs help discovering the void leading to this addiction.

In being a helpmate, be willing to take extreme measures to help your spouse overcome this addiction. For our family, that meant me locking all the electronic devices in a safe deposit box, paying for an accountability service on our phones and computers, and going to counseling with my husband. It may mean something different for your family, but be willing to be supportive.

[tweet_box design=”default”]Nagging your spouse is not the definition of being a helpmate.[/tweet_box]

Disclaimer: I don’t believe that being a helpmate is being a nagging wife. Proverbs 27:15 says, “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike.”

Remember that through marriage, you are fulfilling a vow to God to work TOGETHER while on this earth for the good of the kingdom. Don’t get caught up trying to change your spouse for your benefit. The road to your spouse’s freedom will look a lot different if you see it through the lens of Jesus.

5.) Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.

Forgiveness is hard. It’s especially hard when you’re hurting and when someone has offended you in such a personal way. It’s hard when Satan is telling you it’s okay to hate your spouse.

Satan will fill your head with lies giving you a million reasons your spouse doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Don’t listen. There is so much freedom in forgiveness. You can’t control your spouse’s actions. You CAN control your heart. You can make the choice to forgive.

When (yes, it’ll probably happen) your spouse slips and falls, make the choice to stand ready to forgive and help them move forward. If you ask any spouse struggling with pornography, I bet they would tell you they are more likely to be honest in the future if you choose forgiveness and support over anger and separation.

6.) Don’t let your spouse’s addiction consume you.

Through hearing from different women, I realized some women don’t want to move on.

Some want to make sure their husbands feel the hurt they have felt by constantly reminding them of the pain. Some want to believe it is okay to dwell on the negative emotions they feel. Some want to tell everyone how awful their spouse is (including their spouse). Some want to read every book/article/blog they can get their hands on because it’s easier not to forgive if you continue to relive the pain.

I hope those statements aren’t read as insensitive. Trust me, I understand the hurt. I have dealt with the pain. It’s undeniably there. But you cannot let your spouse’s addiction consume you with lies from the enemy. Feelings of anger, frustration, and hopelessness are understandable. When you choose to dwell on these emotions, Satan wins.

The less you dwell on your spouse’s addiction, the less power it has over you. The more time you spend noticing things you are thankful for in your spouse, the more joy you will find.

[tweet_box design=”default”]The less you dwell on your spouse’s addiction, the less power it has on you.[/tweet_box]

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I write all of these things from my experiences. Everyone’s situation is different. My husband was immediately repentant and felt he was in bondage due to this hidden addiction. He wanted to be healed. Many of you do not have that. I can only speak from where I walked, but I can pray for each of you!

God is SO FAITHFUL! Don’t give up! I remember many moments of hopelessness, thinking we would never overcome this. Years removed, I can look back and see the ways God used something so painful to restore our marriage to something beautiful to reflect His faithfulness.

The journey won’t be easy. Find someone you trust to help you walk this journey. You’d be surprised how many others are traveling on the same road. Talk with God continuously. His faithfulness stands the test of time. He will walk with you through the most painful of times and show you hope when your eyes can’t see the light.

[content_band style=”color: #fff;” bg_color=”#336699″ border=”all” inner_container=”true”]If you’re struggling with your spouse’s porn addiction, I want to help you any way I can. Send me a message on Facebook by CLICKING HERE.[/content_band]

It’s been six years since Tiffani and I exchanged vows. Like most soon-to-be-married couples, we had an idea of what marriage would look like. We watched “chick flicks,” read a few marriage books, and spent time with older married couples.

Looking back, I realize I didn’t know much at all about marriage. The words I promised Tiffani at our wedding were idealistic and romantic. This isn’t much different from the traditional vows you hear at most weddings. “To have and hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

There’s nothing wrong with these vows. But, seriously. Who really understands what they mean?

I know what you’re thinking. Why do marriage vows matter?

Here’s why. Vows are promises. But not just any promises. Vows are markers that guide your marriage. So, while I’m not against writing vows Casanova would applaud, I am against vows that are more romantic and emotional than practical and honest.

In a culture that idolizes romantic love, we don’t need any more Shakespearean vows. We need vows that will shape and impact marriages.

Here are 12 truthful marriage vows you won’t hear at a wedding.

1.) I promise to never flirt, lust, or desire the attention of someone of the opposite sex. 

When you get married, you vow faithfulness to your spouse. You vow exclusivity to them. You promise to never flirt, lust, or seek attention from the opposite sex. You promise to protect your mind from images that aren’t your spouse.

You don’t listen to music that degrades people. You don’t allow your eyes to view images or watch shows portraying people as objects and relationships as indispensable. These are obvious, right?

But when you vow exclusivity to your spouse, you vow more than physical purity. You vow emotional purity as well. You promise to never confide in a secretary at work or be flattered by someone of the opposite sex.

Emotional purity is much less obvious than physical purity, but it’s just as destructive. You must fight to give all of your emotions, your desire to impress, your attention, struggles, heartaches, and everything in between to your spouse. These don’t belong to other people. Fight for purity, both physically and emotionally.

2.) I promise to never expect a 50/50 marriage. 

You can’t keep score in a marriage. There’s no such thing as a 50/50 relationship. That’s a contract.

Give 100% of yourself every day. Some days, 100% won’t be much. But on those days, trust your spouse will pick you up. Regardless, let go of this give-and-take idea.

Just give. Giving is the essence of love and the heart of the one who created marriage, God.

3.) I promise to make the gospel the mission of our marriage.

Most marriages struggle because the relationship is the end goal. The mission of most marriages is to provide stability to your life, to have a family, to have a companion. Get the idea?

But God created marriage, and because he created it, the goal is larger than selfish desires. The goal is to glorify him. Even in Christian circles, few couples make the gospel the mission of their marriage. And this explains why Paul said it was better NOT to marry (1 Cor. 7). Your interest would be divided between your spouse and God.

Your mission on earth is to serve God. Everyday. This mission doesn’t change when you get married. But if you’re not intentional, pleasing your spouse will take precedent over serving God.

4.) I promise to love who you are today, not who I want you to be.

For the sake of your sanity and your marriage, please listen. You can’t change your spouse. You don’t have that power.

If this is your goal, two varmets will infest your relationship: bitterness and resentment.

For years, Tiffani and I tried to change each other. It wasn’t until we stopped trying to change each other and started enjoying one another that we experienced intimacy.

One of the profound mysteries of marriage is two people with different values learning to love, flourish, and celebrate one another. It’s not easy, but that’s why you must rely on God and embrace the unique values He places in every person, including your spouse.

This sounds overly simplistic because it is…just love the person in front of you. Don’t long for a “fixed” version of your spouse. Don’t hope for a day when your spouse changes. Just love the current version of your partner. Doing this will transform your marriage.

5.) I promise you will never be responsible for my happiness.

Marriage isn’t a quest to find happiness or completion. God created you complete. You must learn to love yourself before trying to receive or extend love.

When another person is responsible for your happiness, you idolize that person. You obsess over everything. You check Facebook profiles, text messages, and missed calls. It’s a miserable way to live. It’s a terrible recipe for a quality relationship.

Be confident in the man or woman God created you to be. Then you will be free to love your spouse the way God intended.

6.) I promise to make my expectations clear.

This was probably the greatest barrier in my marriage the first few years. Tiffani and I had expectations that influenced our decisions and shaped our understanding of marriage.

Tiffani’s expectations for me were influenced by her dad. Tiffani has an amazing dad. I respect him. I’ve learned a lot from him. But I’m not Tiffani’s dad. Likewise, my expectations for Tiffani were shaped by my mom. I have an amazing mom. But it’s unfair to expect Tiffani to respond the way my mom responded. And these unrealistic expectations created a lot of disappointments.

Your spouse should never endure disappointments as a result of ignorance. State your expectations clearly. All of them. Be thorough. What do you expect from a wife? A husband? What does marriage look like to you? What does sex look like?

If you can’t state your expectations, either because you don’t know them or you’re too shy to say them, it’s a red flag that you aren’t ready for marriage.

7.) I promise to never say “I forgive you” unless I truly mean it. 

Your spouse will hurt you and vice-versa. When this happens, search your heart, seek God, and forgive your spouse the same way God forgives you.

Don’t forgive with conditions. Don’t say, “I forgive you” when you’re really storing your spouse’s mistake to use as ammo in a future argument.

Unless you forgive the way God forgives you, completely and unconditionally, a wall will grow taller and taller in your relationship. Eventually, bitterness and resentment will make intimacy impossible, and your marriage will be nothing more than two roommates living under the same roof.

8.) I promise to be FOR you, to encourage your dreams, to help you become the man or woman God created you to be.

Many days you won’t feel like being for your spouse. But you must be for your partner if you want your marriage to grow. What does this look like? Here are a few examples.

1. You pray for your spouse.
2. You affirm your spouse’s strengths and gifts.
3. You focus more on the positive aspects of your spouse’s personality and actions than the negative ones.
4. You help your spouse pursue his or her dreams and talents.
5. You make your relationship a safe place for hard questions and deep conversations.

When you are for your spouse they open up like a flower, stepping into their relationships, workplace, etc. with boldness and courage. Is your spouse living with boldness and courage?

9.) I promise to never complain about our marriage, in general, or you, in particular, to others.

God created marriage to be a private relationship between two people. In the social media era, virtually everything is available to the public. Privacy is viewed as stinginess, almost as though six billion people are entitled to full access of your life.

Don’t buy the lie.

Your marriage is private. When you fight, your girlfriends don’t need to hear your husband is a jerk. Your homeboys don’t need to hear that your wife is irrational and ridiculous. No one, other than your spouse, should know intimate details about your sex life.

Don’t publicize a relationship God designed to be private.

10.) I promise to believe the best is yet to come, regardless of how good or bad things are today.

Regardless of the circumstances in your marriage, never spend more time looking in the rear-view mirror than the windshield. You must always believe the best is yet to come.

Why? God is a futurist.

He always leads people towards the future, towards the unknown. This forward movement is rooted in hope. Hope that the unknown is better than the known because God forges the path.

But here’s the lie our world says: future circumstances are tied to current actions. So, if your marriage is miserable right now, it won’t get better in the future. But the future isn’t dependent on external actions. It’s dependent on internal perspective.

In other words, you must choose to believe tomorrow will be better than today. If you choose this, it will be true, regardless of the actions of your spouse.

11.) I promise to protect our marriage from outside influences, including kids, work, and in-laws.

Marriage is about intimacy, and intimacy requires time and exclusivity. Here’s what this means practically. You must learn to say no. Go ahead and practice now.

Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book Boundaries In Marriage, says, “A marriage is only as strong as what it costs to protect it.”

Saying yes to outside influences means saying no to your marriage. You will hurt people’s feelings. Your parents won’t understand. They might even call you selfish. Your golf game might take a hit. Your friends will send you passive-aggressive text messages because you aren’t spending time with them. Your co-workers might think you’re uncommitted because you choose to spend a night with your spouse instead of working late on a project. Unfortunately, even your church might make off-hand comments.

I’m giving you a heads up because these are the costs you must take to protect your marriage. If you don’t do this, your marriage will fail. And, trust me, it’s must easier to implement this vow on day 1 of your marriage than several years in.

12.) I promise to surround our marriage with a community of Christians who will encourage and support us.

I’m going to be real here. At some point, you will want to give up. I know what you’re thinking. “Not me. I would never leave my spouse.”

That’s real sweet and all, but you’re naive.

Marriage is crazy hard. Eventually, your spouse will wound you deeply, you will lose the will to invest in your relationship, or you will come to the realization that marriage is more work than you signed up for.

When this season comes, the line between giving up and pressing forward will be drawn by your community. If your community caters to your ego and feeds your “woe is me” attitude, the line will be easy to cross. If you aren’t plugged into a local church, doing life with a group of Christians, the line will be easier to cross. If, however, you surround your marriage with a community of Christians who are for you, the line will be much harder to cross.

The presence of Christian community is so important that I ask those attending weddings I perform to make vows to the couple being married. After the couple’s vows, the audience stands. Then I ask them two questions.

1. ________ (couple being married) have asked for your prayers and support as they begin marriage together. Do you pledge to pray for them as they work on building a deep and abiding love? 
2.  ________ (couple being married) will need determination and patience to cultivate their love for one another. Do you pledge to support them in every way as they build a Christ-centered marriage?

After each question, the audience responds with “We will.” It’s powerful to see the crowd looking at the couple, vowing to pray for and support them.

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For too long, wedding vows have focused on emotional, romantic love and not practical, solid pillars. You probably won’t hear these vows at any wedding you attend. But they’re essential for building a marriage that lasts.

Six years of marriage taught me one thing. Marriage is the most difficult, rewarding, painful, joyous journey you will embark on. And when the storms of life come, a few well-structured, emotional sentences won’t do you any good. You need something more practical. More realistic. You need guardrails to keep you from running off the road.

To my wife: I love you so much. Thank you for challenging me to become a better man, husband, father, and follower of Jesus. I love every day with you. I love every moment with you.

It’s your turn. What are some practical marriage vows you wish you would have said on your wedding day? Leave a comment below. 

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

Most days, I wake up early and start my day at the breakfast table in our kitchen. The window looking into our backyard allows me to watch the sun usher in a new day. It’s a daily reminder that God’s mercies are new every morning. I need that reminder.

Several weeks ago, while going through my morning routine, something caught my attention. My backyard is shrouded in color from Azaleas and Day Lilies. Red. Yellow. White. Purple. It’s gorgeous. But these didn’t catch my eye. Instead, it was a barren bush.

Even though this bush has always been in my backyard, it wasn’t until the Azaleas and Day Lilies were in full bloom that I noticed it wasn’t growing. No flowers. No fruit. No leaves. It wasn’t dead, but it certainly wasn’t thriving.

Looking out my window that morning, I wanted to pull up the bush. It looked hideous. It might as well have been dead.

I think marriages are a lot like my backyard. Some are blooming. Reds. Yellows. Blues. These relationships are healthy and thriving. Other marriages are like the bush. They aren’t dead, but they’re stagnant. And when marriages are stagnant, they might as well be dead.

In life, this plays out as two people simply living in the same home. Two people who decide to stay together for the kids. Two people who stay “married” because it’s advantageous for them socially, economically, or financially.

But this isn’t God’s design. As the creator of marriage, God desires marriages to thrive. So, why don’t all marriages grow and flourish? Just like the bush, something happens to prevent it from producing leaves and flowers. When this bush was purchased, it was capable of thriving. But something happened. The soil was nutrient-deficient. Animals wounded it.

The same is true for marriage. I believe the fruit of marriage is intimacy. An intimate marriage is a healthy marriage. And, where intimacy is lacking, something has happened. Here are 10 types of marriages that will never experience intimacy.

1.) The “scorekeeping” marriage. 

For many years, I approached marriage like a competition. But marriages aren’t competitions. Competitions have winners. Each side takes whatever steps necessary to win. This includes manipulating, exciting fear, or talking trash to gain an advantage. For years, I did things for Tiffani because I wanted her to do things for me. And when she didn’t do those things, I pulled out my scoreboard to remind her she has some catching up to do.

Healthy marriages don’t do this. Why? They are built on intimacy. And scorekeeping robs marriage of intimacy. In marriage, the scoreboard should constantly sit at 0-0. Tying might be terrible for competitors, but it’s the path to intimacy in marriage.

2.) The “me, my, and mine” marriage.

If your goal is to suck the life out of your marriage, here’s some advice. Be a taker. Look first to fulfill your own needs. Start most of your conversations with “me,” “my,” or “mine.” Make it about you.

Intimacy can’t thrive in a relationship where even one person makes it about them. Write this down: the degree to which you experience joy in marriage (and life, in general) is the degree to which you are a giver.

The oxygen for marriage is selflessness. Take that away, it’s only a matter of time.

3.) The “co-dependent” marriage.

Co-dependency says another person is responsible for your acceptance, affirmation, and identity. Your spouse completes you. Your spouse is the primary one responsible for your joy.

But as long as you’re co-dependent on another person, you can’t be totally dependent on God.

The side effects of not depending totally on God are devastating. You will try to change your spouse, believing a better version of your spouse will make your marriage healthier. You will refuse to say what needs to be said out of fear your spouse will leave.

And, most importantly, you will be more concerned with your spouse’s acceptance of you than God’s plan for you. Your thoughts, actions, and desires will be ultimately for your spouse, and not for God.

4.) The “controlling” marriage.

Here’s what controlling a marriage doesn’t have: authenticity and vulnerability. A marriage can’t thrive without these two values. You see, controllers pretend to have it all together. And, ironically, the very thing they use to acquire success in the real world destroys their marriage…dominance.

Many controlling people manipulate, isolate, and degrade to get their way. This mentality, however, won’t work in marriage. Not if you want to experience intimacy and joy.

Find me a controlling marriage and I will show you a surviving relationship, at best. I will show you a marriage where two people exist in the same house but have no real connection.

Love isn’t something you can manufacture. It isn’t something you can find by beating people into submission. It can only be experienced when two people mutually submit to one another.

5.) The “grass is greener” marriage.

On more than one occasion, especially early in my marriage, I compared my marriage to those around me. I often thought, “Why can’t I have their relationship? Why is their relationship going so well and mine going to poop?”

And I am convinced this is why my marriage struggled so mightily. Here’s the deal. No marriage is void of difficulty. If your marriage isn’t difficult, you have probably given up on it. Anything worth having is difficult. Especially something like marriage. A relationship Satan wants to destroy.

Younger couples, especially, don’t believe the lie. The grass isn’t greener. When you look at marriages around you, you see a picture from 5,000 feet. At that height, everything looks pretty. But if you choose the “other side,” you will have to land your plane there. And you will discover that, on the surface, their grass no different from yours. It has dead spots, weeds, and areas where neighborhood dogs decided to relieve themselves.

6.) The “sex solves everything” marriage.

Sex solves problems. Don’t get me wrong. But sex isn’t the antidote for every issue in marriage, despite the Hollywood narrative. Hollywood says sex solves everything. Did you cheat on your spouse? Have sex with them. Everything is good again. Oh, you said something that caused your spouse to cry? No worries. Just invite them to have sex.

Hollywood has elevated marriage to god status. And this is unfortunate because marriage is designed to point you and your spouse to God, not be your god. I love sex. But it’s not the “quick fix” to every problem in your marriage. Let’s give marriage, and sex, more credit than that.

I would assume this is something animals do. Use sex to fix issues and that sort of thing. But we’re not animals. We image-bearers of God. So, let’s take sex off the throne and put God there.

7.) The “happily ever after” marriage

I wanted the happily ever after marriage. I remember coming home the day after our wedding and thinking to myself, “Is this it?”

It wasn’t that my marriage sucked. Not at all. I was disillusioned. I bought the lie that says marriage is always this amazing ride full of amazing experiences. Meanwhile, here I was in my little home getting dressed for another day at work. Where’s the magic in that?

Years later, I realize my understanding of marriage was built on fantasy. There’s no such thing as happily ever after. Not in life. Not in marriage. Marriage, instead, refines you, tearing away layers of selfishness. This is the opposite of happiness. But it’s the essence of joy and intimacy. Let go of any idea that marriage is a mix of cloud hopping and unicorns.

Marriage is a marathon with bumpy roads and multiple intersections. But, in the end, you receive a prize happiness can’t provide. A man or woman less focused on self and more reliant on God.

8.) The “I’m not worthy of love” marriage. 

If you believe you aren’t worthy of love, you’re right. If you believe you are worthy of love, you’re also right. But only people who believe they are worthy of love will experience intimacy. I know you have baggage. I get it. You have an annoying laugh. Your snack of choice is orange peels with mayonnaise (No lie. I had a teacher in 8th grade who ate this every day. Needless to say, I hate orange peels and mayonnaise today because of her).

No one, regardless of their past mistakes or weird eating habits, is unworthy of love. You’re a child of God, and no child of God has disqualified himself of herself from love.

“I am not worthy of love” spouses are scared to show all their cards because they believe showing their cards will destroy their marriage. But in holding back some cards, they destroy their marriage. Joy and intimacy in marriage are found where two people are fully known. Is this risky? Yes. Is there a chance your spouse won’t like you if you show all your cards? There’s a chance.

But healthy relationships are risky relationships. And there’s no chance your spouse will love if you don’t allow yourself to be fully known.

9.) The “guilty until proven innocent” marriage.

In Donald Miller’s newest book Scary Close he highlights a conversation with a man named John. John is a human trafficking prosecutor for the U. S. Department of Justice. Towards the end of the conversation, John says this, “You want to know what they (rapists, murderers, and leaders of child sex-trafficking rings) have in common?…They all think people are out to get them.”

That’s a powerful statement. To say it another way, they believe all people are guilty until proven innocent. It’s the mantra of the court of public opinion.

Unfortunately, this court affects marriages. If you believe people are out to get you, your marriage won’t experience intimacy. It can’t. Healthy relationships thrive on trust. Okay, you’ve been wounded. You trusted someone, and they stabbed you in the back. But this is what makes love risky…and rewarding. You must be vulnerable. You must be willing to take a shot or two.

If the life of Jesus shows us anything, it shows us love is risky. It hurts. But the intimacy available as a result of authenticity and trust is worth any pain you might experience.

10.) The “conditional commitment” marriage

Intimacy is only possible in a safe environment. And safe environments are the product of covenants. Covenants aren’t ruled-based contracts. They are love-based commitments. Our culture has no framework for covenants. And that’s dangerous. Without covenants, you wouldn’t be a child of God. Covenants are unbreakable. They are holy, divine, sacred, and eternal.

Marriage is a covenant. It shows the world God’s nature and character unlike any relationship on earth. That’s real stuff. Maybe this explains why God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16).

When marriage is a conditional commitment, you must perform for your spouse. You must guard your inner thoughts and actions. You must tip-toe around the relationship, hoping to avoid big mistakes. Ultimately, you must work from a foundation of fear. But covenant love is void of fear. It is love not dependent on behavior. It not only encourages but thrives on two people being fully themselves.

If your marriage is rooted in fear, it’s not led by God. Perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18). And perfect love is only possible inside of a covenant. A never ending, never failing, abounding in grace and forgiveness, covenant.

___________

Marriage has the power to transform lives. When it thrives, the fruit is something beautiful, something divine and sacred. It points people to God.

No matter where you are on the journey, don’t miss this: God wants your marriage to thrive. He doesn’t want you to simply live in the same house as your spouse. He doesn’t want you to stay together for the kids. He wants you to grow together, intimately, for his glory. It is never too late to let go of the marriages in this post. Your marriage isn’t too far gone. That’s a lie from Satan.

What if every person reading this made a commitment to let go of everything in their present or future marriage that doesn’t lead to intimacy? Satan would hang his head, feeling defeated. And that would only point the world to the reality. He is defeated. God is victorious. That’s a message I want to spread.

What types of marriages do you believe will never experience intimacy? Leave a comment below. Let’s continue the conversation.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

Things aren’t always as they seem. Take Prince Hans in the movie Frozen, for example. That fool pretends to be a charming, stand-up guy. And when Anna needs him most, Prince Hans pulls an Okie-Doke on her, leaving her for dead. What a jerk.

I seriously think I threw my couch pillow at the tv the first time I saw it. My wife then stared at me with a look like, “Did you really just throw a pillow at the tv over a cartoon movie?”

I was slightly embarrassed. But I don’t regret my actions.

Hollywood has built an industry on the “Prince Hans Principle” (yeah, I just made that up). Movies will paint a character one way, then drop the bombshell. But let’s be honest. Hollywood doesn’t hold the rights to this principle. Unfortunately, things aren’t always as they seem in the real world either. This is true of people, political and social ideas, and everything in between.

If you grew up in Christian culture, the “Prince Hans Principle” applies to many things, but it especially applies to sex. I remember the first time someone told me sex was a gift from God. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to slap them for insulting God or cry because they might actually be right. In the days and weeks that followed, I started to realize sex was a gift from God.

And it changed everything.

You see, I always thought sex was from Satan. Christians just borrowed it for pro-creation or something. But the more I talked to other people and studied Scripture, the more I realized things weren’t as they seem.

Today, I see sex as a beautiful, powerful gift from God. But getting to this point wasn’t easy. And I still have baggage from the years of lies I had to destroy. Some (or maybe most) of these lies I acquired from my Christian culture. Others I picked up from Hollywood, friends, etc.

Regardless, here are 7 lies Christians believe about sex.

1.) Sex is dirty, nasty, and only useful for pro-creation.

So, what if I told you sex is a gift from God? I know. That destroys the foundation of your understanding of sex. But it’s true. Sex isn’t dirty and nasty. And its purpose isn’t solely to keep the world populated.

But, for most Christians, sex is like that annoying family member. You know the one. God didn’t bless him (or her) with qualities like self-awareness. But he has a double portion of obnoxiousness. You dread family gatherings because the annoying family member will be there. But it’s your family. So, what choice do you have?

Sex and Christians have a similar relationship. We seem to tolerate sex because it is necessary to carry on the family name. But aside from that, it has no real purpose. So, we just deal with it. Because, well, we have to.

What if Christians embraced sex as a gift from God? What if the church viewed sex as a gift to be enjoyed by two people within the covenant bond of marriage? What if the church encouraged married people to explore sex? What if the church taught and discipled single people to see sex as a form of enjoyment and pleasure instead of the annoying family member no one wants to be around?

We might just build anticipation and excitement around God’s design for sex. Maybe single people would want to know more about this gift. And maybe they would share their current sexual struggles because they want to enjoy God’s gift…God’s way.

2.) Casual sex is fun and innocent. Everyone else is doing it.

So, golf is fun. White water rafting is fun. Sex is…fun? Is that how far sex has fallen in our culture?

Well done, Satan. Let’s give him a hand, guys. He has taken a mysterious, private, and extremely powerful gift and turned it into something…fun? Something like golf and white water rafting. Something recreational. Really?

Don’t get me wrong. Sex is fun. But it’s more than a recreational activity. Much more.

And while our schools give condoms to sixth graders, the church does little to raise expectations around sex. It’s almost as though Christians believe it’s better to hand out condoms than teach abstinence.

Look, it’s not a stretch to say marriage in our country is falling apart (at least partly) because sex has lost its mystery. Sex is nothing more than a recreational activity. It’s fun.

Meanwhile, God says sex binds two people together physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There’s nothing simple about that. Until sex is seen as a powerful expression of covenant love, wrapped in mystery and complexity, marriages will continue to fall apart.

3.) It’s okay to have sex if I am in love.

In 10th grade, my U. S. History teacher said something I will never forget. “Love is not something you fall in and out of. Love isn’t primarily a feeling. It’s primarily a decision.”

Now, if you are wondering how love and U. S. History are connected, I wonder the same thing. But don’t derail my point.

At the time, I thought my teacher was ignorant. After all, as a 10th grader I had fallen in love several times. But now I see that I was never in love. I was infatuated.

Sex isn’t for two people who are “in love.” Sex is for two people who are married. Two people committed to one another for the duration of their earthly lives. If you and your “boo” are madly in love, get married. If you can’t get married because you are 15, trust God’s eternal plan for sex is better than your present one.

[tweet_box design=”default”]God’s eternal plan for sex is better than your present one.[/tweet_box]

Sex outside of God’s design will always be a source of brokenness because it’s for people who are married, not people who are “in love.”

4.) If I remain pure before marriage, God will reward me with great sex.

Yeah, I thought this before I was married. And it’s not that the statement was made explicitly. But somehow I concluded it. And I have talked to other Christians who concluded the same thing. So, there must be something in the church water.

I am going to be real. Five years of marriage has taught me that sex is hard work. Yes, it’s pleasurable. But if you believe angels are going to sing, “Hallelujah!” while fireworks cascade around you the first time you have sex, prepare for disappointment.

So, why save yourself for marriage? Because it throws out any chance for comparison or emotional residue. It frees you and your current (or future) spouse to explore sex without baggage.

That’s worth the wait. I promise.

5.) If I have sex before marriage, I am tainted forever.

The church has implicitly (and explicitly) taught this for decades. And it’s not true. Yes, it is God’s desire for every man and woman to enter marriage without a sexual past. But it’s also God’s nature to take even the worst scenario and make it beautiful.

So, if you made mistakes sexually, God can and will forgive you. If you are a victim of sexual abuse, God can and will heal you. Don’t believe the lies you hear. You can still be used by God. You can still have a marriage that flourishes, and you can still enjoy sex with your current (or future) spouse.

But you must let go of shame and trust God’s power to completely forgive you.

6.) If I think about sex, I am wrong.

God created you with sexual desires. And he doesn’t expect you to suppress them. He expects you to control them. And, again, the church’s failure to address sex gives Satan an open door.

[tweet_box design=”default”]God expects you to control your sexual desires, not suppress them.[/tweet_box]

I will be the first to say lust is sin. Jesus makes it cut and dry (Matt. 5:28-29). But almost every teaching I hear on lust begins and ends like this:

“Lust is wrong. Don’t do it. Let’s pray.”

What the church needs to do is differentiate between lust and sexual desire. Lust is desiring something that is not yours. Lust is looking at another human being more as a piece of meat than a creation of God.

Sexual desire, however, is natural and healthy. It must be controlled. Of course. But it’s natural. So, don’t suppress your sexual desires. If you do, don’t expect to turn them on when you get married. At the same time, don’t give in to your sexual desires. Pray for self-control. Have an accountability group. Talk to someone you know and trust. But don’t give in.

7.) Having sex is a more significant sin than porn, masturbation, or lust.

This was my attitude as a teenager and young adult. I knew sex was wrong. And I thought that having sex outside of marriage would result in God turning me into a gnome or something.

So, how might a teenager afraid of becoming a gnome keep himself from having sex? Use other means to “release” what I thought was uncontrollable sexual desire.

“What’s the problem, Frank? That sounds like a great idea?”

Yeah, except it’s not.

Going back to Jesus, he says, “The mouth speaks what the heart is full of” (Matt 12:34). What is Jesus really saying here? Your external actions are just an overflow of your heart’s desires.

[tweet_box design=”default”]Your external actions are an overflow of your heart’s desires.[/tweet_box]

So, having sex is simply an outpouring of a heart and mind filled with lust and impure thoughts. There is no distinction between adultery (having sex) and porn, masturbation, or lust (other means). What matters is the condition of your heart.

The goal for Christian purity isn’t physical abstinence as much as it is a heart free from impurity and lust.

_______________

Sex is a beautiful gift God gives to married couples. The church must create space for healthy discussions about sex. This will be awkward, yes. But until Christians understand the mystery and power of sex, we will continue to be plagued by skewed expectations and broken lives.

What about you? Are there some lies you believed about sex? Leave a comment below and let’s continue the conversation. 

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

In football, wins and losses are determined before the whistle ever blows. I learned this playing in community college. Football was a job. Every day you watched film. You analyzed and dissected footage from the previous game and the upcoming opponent. If you weren’t in the film room, you were on the practice field or in the weight room.

By the time Saturday rolled around, you knew the opponent like the back of your hand. Tendencies. Strengths. Weaknesses. Everything. And more times than not, the team with the better game plan won.

The same is true for marriage. In America, even the most optimistic studies show half of all marriages end in divorce. And when determining the cause of divorce, the tendency is to look at the marriage. Similar to gameday in football. No one sees the countless hours spent in the film room and on the practice field. It’s all about gameday.

Could this also be possible with marriage? I believe so. There are tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses nurtured long before wedding day. And they will impact your marriage tremendously. You might be in high school or college, not even considering the thought of marriage, but you are preparing now. You are in the film room. And your preparation (or lack thereof) might determine the outcome of the game (your marriage) before it ever begins.

So, here are 8 ways to ruin your marriage long before you say, “I do.”

1.) Quit everything you start. 

If you want to destroy your marriage before your wedding day, quit everything you start. Doesn’t matter what you quit. It just matters that you never learn the practice of perseverance. Whenever the “new” wears off an activity or relationship, just give up. When a coach yells at you, throw in the towel. When school becomes difficult and requires too much time and energy, walk away.

This may seem ridiculous to a teenager or twenty-something, but you must understand the habits established now go with you into marriage. And marriages that stand the test of time are built on perseverance. Every marriage is hard. Not one is devoid of sacrifice, fighting, and strong storms.

And if you make a practice of quitting, this will be your default when dark clouds hover over your marriage.

2.) Make social media your default method of communication.

When it comes to marriage, few things are more important than good communication. And the popularity of social media and cell phones is creating more and more teenagers and twenty-somethings who are lost when it comes to true communication. You see, communication creates connection. Connection is the foundation for intimacy. And intimacy is the essence of marriage.

“So, what’s your point, Frank?”

Glad you asked. Social media creates a false sense of connection. It is a form of communication, yes. But it is not the form of communication that leads to intimacy. That comes through face-to-face interaction. Looking into the eyes of another person and sharing your feelings. And it is disturbing to imagine a generation of men and women entering into marriage with social media as their primary form of communication.

[tweet_box design=”default”]To ruin your marriage before it begins, turn to virtual relationships for primary connection.[/tweet_box]

Marriages can’t survive without intimacy. Intimacy isn’t possible without connection, and connection isn’t possible without good communication. So, if you want to ruin your marriage long before it begins, deal with conflict through text message and build all your relationships through Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram.

3.) View love and feeling/emotion as equals. 

You won’t find this on a list of top reasons people get divorced, but many times lying underneath the surface is this enormous misconception.

“We grew apart. We just don’t love one another anymore. We fought too much. He or she changed after we married.” These are commonly stated reasons couples divorce. But they are often a symptom of a deeper problem. The deeper problem being love and emotion are seen as equals.

Americans base decisions on emotions and feelings. If it feels good, do it. But love isn’t primarily about feelings. It is primarily about commitment and action. The kind of love God models on the cross.

This is why Paul says, “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails” (1 Cor. 13:7-8). Your emotions and feelings will change. The love you have for your future spouse never will. True love can’t change. Because it isn’t a product of something that changes. It is a product of someone who never changes…God.

4.) Don’t pursue purity. No one else does. 

Hey, everyone else is doing it. Sex is normal. In fact, when I was in high school and college, purity was looked down upon. It was a sign of weakness.

So, I bought the lie. I sacrificed my purity on the altar of popularity and peer pressure. And I am still paying for it. There is a reason God creates sex with boundaries. He is not trying to rob us of something. He is trying to prepare us for something. Until marriage, sex was purely physical for me. Lust consumed my life. I struggled with an addiction to pornography (you can read about that struggle here).

When I got married, everything changed. Sex was more than physical. It was also emotional and spiritual. For the first time, I experienced sex the way God created it. But I carried into marriage years of baggage. Baggage that consisted of layers upon layers of impurity and lust. And, trust me, they aren’t easy to remove.

So, if you want to destroy God’s design for sex and intimacy, don’t value your purity. Don’t fight for it. But take my word. If you buy the lie now, it will impact your marriage later.

5.) Make everything about you. 

If you want to destroy your marriage long before it begins, place yourself at the center of the universe. Take someone’s refusal to meet your needs as a personal attack.

Before marriage, I was insanely selfish. I looked after number one. Everything was about me, me, me.

But marriage shattered my selfish bubble. I have my wife to blame for this. She is the opposite of selfish. And she has convinced me that selfishness drains the life out of marriage. Because it does.

You see, God created marriage. Because of this, the more your reflect his character in your marriage, the more your marriage will flourish. And God is the anti-thesis of selfish. Think Jesus. And Philippians 2. Jesus is the personification of selflessness. He came to earth, taking the form of a servant, so we could have life.

Is this counter-intuitive? For sure. But believe it. Life is found through humility and taking the form of a servant.

So, go ahead and make yourself the center of the universe. But you won’t find life there. Not in your current situation. And certainly not in your future marriage.

6.) Constantly compare yourself to other people. 

“I wish I was taller. I wish I was prettier. I wish I was more athletic.” Raise your hand if these thoughts have ever crossed your mind? I am certainly guilty. We live in a comparison culture, don’t we?

A great day can suddenly turn sour with one scroll through your social media timeline. You post the perfect picture and no one likes it. Two pictures later, your best friend posts his or her perfect picture and it blows up. “You are so pretty/handsome. You are amazing. You are a beast. Swag.” Why did their picture get the likes and not mine? What was a great day is not so great anymore.

The comparison culture is incredibly toxic. It will drive you to be someone God never created you to be. It will convince you God messed up or loves another person more simply because they are more handsome or athletic.

Until you learn to be comfortable in your own skin life is going to be a struggle. And if you allow comparison to seep into your future marriage, it will suck the joy out of it. There will always be couples with a “better” marriage just like there will always be people prettier or more athletic.

[tweet_box design=”default”]A life consumed with comparison creates a heart consumed with discontent and failure.[/tweet_box]

As long as your life is consumed by comparing your looks and talents to others, your heart will be consumed with discontent and failure. The same is true for your marriage.

7.) By default, don’t trust anyone. 

The mantra of our justice system is “innocent until proven guilty.” But we all know this is a farce. The opposite is actually.

“I am going to assume you aren’t worthy of my trust. I am going to assume you are guilty. Now earn my trust. Prove me wrong.”

In America you are seen as naive and weak if you place yourself in a position to be hurt. But what if Americans have it wrong? What if it is more dangerous to never to be fully known than it is to be vulnerable and take the chance you might get rejected?

Vulnerability is virtually non-existent in our culture. That’s not up for debate. And this creates an enormous problem when it comes to marriage because vulnerability is the gateway to intimacy. This might explain why so many marriages end in divorce.

[tweet_box design=”default”]Your marriage won’t flourish without vulnerability. It is the gateway to intimacy.[/tweet_box]

Divorce often stems from a lack of intimacy. A lack of intimacy often stems from refusing to be vulnerable. And refusing to be vulnerable comes from culture’s default position of not trusting others.

So, if you want to set your future marriage up for disaster, by default, don’t trust anyone. Believe the worst thing possible is to put yourself out there and get rejected. Put up walls. And make people break them down by earning your trust.

8.) Turn to anything or anyone other than God for acceptance and affirmation. 

[pullquote cite=”Donald Miller” type=”left”]It’s true what I’m saying. If our identity gets broken, it affects our ability to connect.[/pullquote]If you want to set your future marriage up for failure, fill the voids in your life with anything other than God. Find your worth in your looks or popularity. Find your value in athletics. Find your identity in relationships.

Here’s why this is so destructive to marriage. If your worth is a product of something external, your future spouse will bear a weight that will eventually crush them. Your future spouse will be responsible for your joy and peace and, in essence, will become your pseudo god.

And humans are terrible gods. They can’t establish your worth. They can’t fill your voids. They can’t complete you. Those weights are reserved for God. And only he can bear them.

If you are incomplete now, you will be incomplete after marriage. The “I dos'” won’t change that. So, take the weight off other people and place it on God.

____________________

The beauty of God is that he never gives up on us. He can clean up the worst mess. He specializes in restoring order from chaos. Maybe your marriage has been a mess. It’s never too late to make a change. God can and will restore your life and marriage.

For everyone else, I understand marriage might not be on your radar. But if you believe marriage is in the cards for you at some point, understand your actions now are shaping what is to come.

Prepare well. Practice hard. Because gameday will be here before you know it.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!