Ever been in a conversation with someone, and a statement they make causes you to cringe? Those are awkward, right? The issue of marriage is one of those topics that produces cringe-worthy answers. Often. So many people use books or movies to give them a framework for marriage. You know the movies where everyone lives happily ever after. Or the one where the couple never has an argument. Ever. Everyone is rich and happy. Man, give me some of that.
And for so many, this is marriage. A series of two-hour movies where fake people learn fake roles and portray a fake idea of marriage.
But honestly…Is anyone prepared for marriage? Of course not. ‘Tis life. But make no mistake. There are attitudes and mentalities that are toxic to a marriage. And many people, simply by the answers they give or the qualities they value, reveal they are not ready for marriage.
So, here are 6 statements from people not ready for marriage.
1.) “I have a lusting problem…but marriage will fix that.”
Wrong. You want a case-in-point? Alright. I will use myself. When I got married, I struggled with lust and pornography. “No worries,” I thought. Once I get married, those will go away. I can have sex whenever. And this is the lie Satan told me. He will tell you the same one.
But listen, if you have a lusting addiction or you enjoy sites like fulltube xxx a bit too much, marriage will NOT fix it.
This is why I hate Satan so much. He destroys marriages before they even start. I know personally of couples who married because they could not control their physical desires. Basically, they got married so they could have sex.
And they are no longer together.
Why? Did they not fix their problem by getting married? No. Because the problem is not physical. And therefore something physical will not heal them. The problem is the heart. Look at Matthew 5:27-30. Jesus talks very explicitly about this.
If you have a lusting problem and believe marriage is the answer to your problem, you have bought a lie. It is equal to fixing a broken leg with a band-aid. You are trying to attack a heart issue with an external issue. Not going to work.
You need to work on the sin that lies underneath. Do some business with your heart.
2.) “If I get married I won’t be lonely anymore.”
If you believe marriage will fix your loneliness, you are putting a weight on marriage it will not be able to withstand. Eventually your marriage will collapse. You are expecting your spouse to do things and act in ways inconsistent with a healthy marriage. Or a healthy relationship, for that matter. Your spouse is your companion. Your best friend. He or she is a source of comfort during times of difficulty. All of these are true. And praise God for this.
But none of these will fix your loneliness. Only God will fix that. If loneliness is driving you to think about marriage, let me direct you to the first commandment. Love God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind (Matt. 22:37).
Your loneliness is a relationship issue. You have diagnosed the problem correctly. But you are seeking the wrong medicine for the cure. To be healed, you must deepen your relationship with God.
3.) “I never lose an argument.”
Hold on, let me give you an award. Here you go. It’s called the, “I would rather be right than have any meaningful relationships award.” And it goes to any person with this attitude. Congrats.
If you get into a marriage believing you must win every argument, you might succeed. But you will lose your marriage in the process. Marriage is not about winning arguments. Marriage is not even about being right. It is about sacrificially loving and serving another person.
Want a good case study for this? C’mon up Jesus. Take the stage.
Jesus could have won every argument. Ever. He is God. No one can stand up against infinite knowledge. But the Pharisees questioned and mocked Jesus before he went to the cross. And Jesus said nothing. Nothing…let that sink it for a second. Could you pull that off? I would have at least turned one of those dudes into a pillar of salt. Just for fun. Don’t judge me.
Jesus knew something every person desiring marriage should remember…winning the war is more important than winning battles. Jesus could have put those Pharisees in their place. But his goal was not to beat the Pharisees in a war or words. It was to beat Satan at the cross.
Marriage is not about having the last laugh. Or winning every battle. So, make a decision. Will you try to win every argument…or maintain a healthy, Christ-centered marriage? You can’t have both. Make a choice. Now.
[tweet_box design=”default”]Marriage is not about having the last laugh. It is not about winning every battle.[/tweet_box]
4.) “Marriage is all about sex.”
What distinguishes marriage from every other relationship on earth? “Well, it’s sex, Frank. Every one knows that. I can’t wait to get married so I can have sex.” And you will be severely disappointed in marriage. Sex is an amazing gift God has given to a man and a woman who enter into the sacred bond of marriage. But a marriage built on sex will not sustain and in time will leave you looking for some indication that your wife is cheating. If this is you, check out this article titled, “Signs wife is cheating” for more information.
Hollywood glamorizes and romanticizes sex. Just like marriage. But what Hollywood portrays and the real world actuates are very different. Hollywood is a lie. Just in general. But especially with sex.
Sex is a phenomenal, amazing gift from God. But be careful not to make sex an idol. It is not the foundation of your marriage. That is God’s role. Sex is a piece of your marriage that points you to the foundation.
5.) “I am ready to get married so I can start a family.”
I have two boys. And in the process of adoption. I love my family. My family is amazing. I love them more than words can describe. But I did not marry because I wanted a family. I married because I found a woman who fears the Lord. And I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving and serving her. I often times suck at it. But this was my motivation for marriage.
We live in a culture today that idolizes our kids. They become the center of marriages for two or three decades. Then kids leave the house. And their absence leaves an enormous hole. One that is very difficult to fill. Believe me. I have seen it personally.
[tweet_box design=”default”]Marriage has a hierarchy. And it goes like this. God > Spouse > Children.[/tweet_box]
Marriage has a hierarchy. And it goes like this. God > Spouse > Children. Healthy marriages maintain this hierarchy. Children are NEVER more important than your spouse. Maybe you have seasons where they demand more of your attention. But they never become more important than the relationship with your spouse. Mess up that hierarchy and your marriage will not sustain.
The best thing you can do for your children is show them what it looks like to passionately pursue and protect the relationship you have with your spouse. And, in a culture that values longevity in marriage as much as yesterday’s newspaper, your children could learn a lot from watching you love your spouse well.
But this attitude doesn’t start with marriage. It starts before. Make finding a God-fearing, servant-minded spouse your goal. Then, if God gives you the gift of children, love them. Teach them. Serve them. But do not mess up the hierarchy. This is not healthy for your marriage…or your children.
6.) “When I get married, I will straighten out my life.”
Yeah, you are right. Marriage will straighten out your life…for a few months. I thought marriage would be the catalyst for my transformed life. You know, the one where I would take life seriously. Stop doing all those crazy things single people do. Partying all night. Regularly having a chat with sexy men or women. Having no ambition. This was my mentality, remember.
And my relationship with Tiffani did point me to Jesus. But if you are looking for another person to give you ambition and purpose, you are drinking some dangerous kool-aid. And eventually the kool-aid will run out. And many times, when the kool-aid disappears, so does the ambition and purpose.
Start living with purpose now. Start being ambitious now. You shouldn’t need a spouse to tell you to stop drinking and smoking. Stop now if you believe this is what you should do. Be self-motivated. This will only put you in a better position when your spouse does come along.
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Those are 6 statements from people not ready for marriage. But there are many more. What statements I did not mention? Leave a comment below and let me know what you think.
I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!
8 comments
I really appreciate this post! I chuckled through it on the first reading (especially about the attitude award), but returned to pray about each point as I continue leading the single life & praying for my maybe-someday-future marriage. Thanks, Frank!
Tracey, thanks for reading! Glad this has been an encouragement for you. Pray God rains downs blessings on your life as you continue the journey!
I have to disagree, only slightly, with your hierarchy. For us fathers it’s absolutely correct, but spouse and children are switched for mothers. They should put their children ahead of their husbands, because that’s their duty as a mother. My wife would sacrifice anything for our children, and I would sacrifice anything for her. No one stands ready to do that for me, because I’m the father. The sacrifices have to start somewhere. That’s our high and terrible honor as fathers. We give everything to our families knowing someone else has priority.
Nah
Authority, priority, and sacrifices are all different concepts… You seem to be muddying the waters a lot here.
The mother that makes her children an authority over her is a terrible, terrible mother. The mother that listens to her children before she listens to her husband is an equally bad parent, and creates all sorts of problems with parents contradicting each other and gives children a sense of instability. I’m sure you understand that. Once someone explains the implications of what you’re saying to you you should see the problem.
God->Husband->Wife->Children.
I am very thankful to God
that He puts those words in your mind to write, cause right now, I’m dealing
with the # 1 and #2 and I really thought that marriage will resolve those
issues! Please pray for me, cause I’m 30 and it’s really hard for me to keep
myself away from lusting, pornography and loneliness. Sometimes I’m really
strong, and other times, I feel guilty and depressed. Thanks in advance for
your prayers.
Father, I pray you will fill “allo” with strength to resist the temptations. I pray you will heal his mind and his heart. Create in him a clean heart. Renew in him your Spirit. Give him the strength to resist the urge to view pornography! I pray his marriage is filled with your presence. Let him be filled with a complete understanding of your love for him. Let him work from that love. Do not allow the enemy to tell him your love for him can change or waver. Take away the feeling of loneliness. Fill him with your power. Show yourself to him in a mighty way. In a mighty way, I pray you will take away any guilt or shame that hovers in his mind. I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen!
Blessings to you moving forward!
#1: I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
#2: And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
#5: So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. Gen And God blessed them, and God said to them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.
#4: Lack thereof seems to be a more prevalent problem then excess of when it comes to marriage. If someone exists who actually thinks marriage is mostly about sex they’re so far disconnected from modern culture and it’s problems that they should do fine at marriage.
#3″ “Jesus could have won every argument. Ever. He is God. No one can stand up against infinite knowledge. But the Pharisees questioned and mocked Jesus before he went to the cross. And Jesus said nothing. Nothing…let that sink it for a second. Could you pull that off? I would have at least turned one of those dudes into a pillar of salt. Just for fun. Don’t judge me.”
Is it safe to assume from this that you haven’t read much of the New Testament? The Cross is the ONLY time he said nothing, and the cross wasn’t an ‘argument’. When Jesus got into an argument he DID win every argument, they ‘marvelled at his speech’. His logic is amazing, The fact that he did win every argument contributed to their dislike of him.
If someone is honest-to-goodness good at argumentation they have something a lot of people in relationships don’t have. If it’s the man and he’s only sub-par good at it but willing to stand his ground and not get mired in passive-aggressiveness and indecision he still has more than most men and probably more than enough keep a relationship together.
I really don’t know what to say about 6, but 5 of the 6 tells really do say the opposite of what you seem to think they do. 3 of which are wrong in a ‘standard hermeneutics applied to scripture flat out contradicts your assertion’ sort of wrong…
Man, I sit and wonder how even Christians fail at relationships so much. For all the many problems I’ve dealt with and things I’ve gone through ‘my relationship’ has never been a problem, and that’s marrying young and being married. Then I go to church men’s conferences, I see the bad advice given over and over. It’s culturally hip but psychologically and practically nonsense, and theologically garbage. I hear spoken articles like this, where the question of ‘have you even read scripture’ seems like a legitimate one. No is fine if you’re a secular marriage counselled, but if you prime advice is ‘put God first’ then ‘understand what God wants and why’ is the actual, practical thing you HAVE TO DO, and yet it always seems to be omitted.
“But honestly…Is anyone prepared for marriage? Of course not.” Sigh… Of course they are, it isn’t even hard to be prepared. Develop half decent interpersonal skills, basic leadership for men and basic loyalty for women, and you’re there. Add a proper sense of obligation (oh, there’s a dirty word in our time) and you have something lasting. But instruction as to what that entails is so sorely lacking or so poorly delivered.
Yes, I’m blunt, but this is something that needs to be addressed among Christians. I have no intention to hurt, but you need to think through your positions here.
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