For over a year now, I avoided writing this post. I felt this nudge telling me to write it, and I ignored it. If I’m being honest, I’d rather be doing a million other things than this. But here I am, sitting in front of my computer about to share some information I believe someone needs to hear.

Let me explain. (Because let’s be real, my husband is the gifted writer in our family. No worries, I’m not trying to take over.) Here’s the most recent statistics according to Covenant Eyes:

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55% of married men say they watch porn at least once a month compared to 70% of not married men.

63% of adult men have looked at pornography at least on time while at work in the past 3 months; 38% have done so more than once.

64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women view pornography at least once a month (compared to 65% of non-Christian men and 30% of non-Christian women).

37% of pastors said viewing pornography was a “current struggle.”

75% of pastors said they do not make themselves accountable to anyone for their Internet use.

79% of 18-30-year-old, 67% of 31-49-year-old, and 49% of 50-68-year-old men say the view pornography at least once a month.

76% of 18-30-year-old, 16% of 31-49-year-old, and 4% of 50-68-year-old women say the view pornography at least once a month.

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Over a year ago, my husband blogged about overcoming his addiction to watching pornography. I knew the statistics. It wasn’t easy for us to share our struggle, but I knew the information would benefit someone. What I never considered was the response I, the spouse, received from that post.

There’s another side to the pornography epidemic no one talks about.

When I discovered pornography on my husband’s computer, I had NO CLUE what to do. Along with every insecurity you can imagine, I felt totally unequipped to respond. Please understand, I don’t write this claiming to have all the answers, nor do I claim to have handled everything the right way. I’m just a wife who walked the road millions are walking.

I don’t have 5 easy steps to heal your relationship. I don’t have one revelation that will make this go away. I only have insight into some ways to respond when you realize your spouse is addicted to pornography.

1.) Seek God.

Psalm 121 says, “I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”

If you skip this essential truth, there is no foundation for healing in your marriage. It’s easy to keep your eyes fixed on the hurt, the pain, and the brokenness. Keep your eyes fixed on the Healer if you want to walk down the road to healing.

2.) Get a grip on this statement: It’s NOT your fault.

If I were thinner. If I were more attractive. If I would have been a better wife. If I would have lost that baby weight faster. I probably deserve this because.

Satan LOVES to fill your head with insecurities. Seriously, he delights, not only in destroying your marriage, but destroying you as well. Your spouse’s struggle is NOT because of you and honestly, it’s not about you. Any book you read, any counselor you go to will confirm this. Don’t multiply Satan’s attempt to destroy your family with pornography by allowing untrue insecurities to consume you.

3.) Even when you are hurting, respond in love.

This is an emotional time for your family. It’s painful beyond imagination. And you’ve heard the saying: The people we love the most are the people we hurt the most. The saying is true. If your spouse is addicted to pornography, the most important you will ask is, “How will I respond?”

Consider the radical teachings of Jesus. When He came, He gave us this new way to respond to people who hurt us—even the people we love the most and the people who hurt us the most. When I found pornography on my husband’s computer, the love that Luke 6 talks about was NOT how my flesh wanted to respond. When I finally responded with the love of Jesus, the journey to healing and restoration began.

If you’re wondering if you’re responding to your spouse with love, here’s a good litmus test in Scripture.

1 Corinthians 13 shows you how LOVE responds: with patience and kindness, not envy or pride, not arrogance or rudeness, not insisting on your own way, not irritable or resentful (OUCH!), not rejoicing in wrongdoing, but rejoicing with the truth.

4.) Be the helpmate you vowed to be.

Be careful about how you respond to your spouse. The first time I discovered pornography, I immediately forgave my husband and thought ok we’ve moved past this. It’s not in the dark anymore. I’m good with him. He was very repentant. Life was moving on.

I was wrong. What I failed to do was walk with my husband through the healing process. When he confessed to having fallen back into the trap, I thought my life and our marriage was crumbling.

If your spouse is addicted to pornography, they will not be able to quit cold turkey.

[tweet_box design=”default”]External actions can’t be removed without internal replacements.[/tweet_box]

Just like all other things in life, external actions can’t be removed without internal replacements. Your spouse needs help discovering the void leading to this addiction.

In being a helpmate, be willing to take extreme measures to help your spouse overcome this addiction. For our family, that meant me locking all the electronic devices in a safe deposit box, paying for an accountability service on our phones and computers, and going to counseling with my husband. It may mean something different for your family, but be willing to be supportive.

[tweet_box design=”default”]Nagging your spouse is not the definition of being a helpmate.[/tweet_box]

Disclaimer: I don’t believe that being a helpmate is being a nagging wife. Proverbs 27:15 says, “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike.”

Remember that through marriage, you are fulfilling a vow to God to work TOGETHER while on this earth for the good of the kingdom. Don’t get caught up trying to change your spouse for your benefit. The road to your spouse’s freedom will look a lot different if you see it through the lens of Jesus.

5.) Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.

Forgiveness is hard. It’s especially hard when you’re hurting and when someone has offended you in such a personal way. It’s hard when Satan is telling you it’s okay to hate your spouse.

Satan will fill your head with lies giving you a million reasons your spouse doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Don’t listen. There is so much freedom in forgiveness. You can’t control your spouse’s actions. You CAN control your heart. You can make the choice to forgive.

When (yes, it’ll probably happen) your spouse slips and falls, make the choice to stand ready to forgive and help them move forward. If you ask any spouse struggling with pornography, I bet they would tell you they are more likely to be honest in the future if you choose forgiveness and support over anger and separation.

6.) Don’t let your spouse’s addiction consume you.

Through hearing from different women, I realized some women don’t want to move on.

Some want to make sure their husbands feel the hurt they have felt by constantly reminding them of the pain. Some want to believe it is okay to dwell on the negative emotions they feel. Some want to tell everyone how awful their spouse is (including their spouse). Some want to read every book/article/blog they can get their hands on because it’s easier not to forgive if you continue to relive the pain.

I hope those statements aren’t read as insensitive. Trust me, I understand the hurt. I have dealt with the pain. It’s undeniably there. But you cannot let your spouse’s addiction consume you with lies from the enemy. Feelings of anger, frustration, and hopelessness are understandable. When you choose to dwell on these emotions, Satan wins.

The less you dwell on your spouse’s addiction, the less power it has over you. The more time you spend noticing things you are thankful for in your spouse, the more joy you will find.

[tweet_box design=”default”]The less you dwell on your spouse’s addiction, the less power it has on you.[/tweet_box]

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I write all of these things from my experiences. Everyone’s situation is different. My husband was immediately repentant and felt he was in bondage due to this hidden addiction. He wanted to be healed. Many of you do not have that. I can only speak from where I walked, but I can pray for each of you!

God is SO FAITHFUL! Don’t give up! I remember many moments of hopelessness, thinking we would never overcome this. Years removed, I can look back and see the ways God used something so painful to restore our marriage to something beautiful to reflect His faithfulness.

The journey won’t be easy. Find someone you trust to help you walk this journey. You’d be surprised how many others are traveling on the same road. Talk with God continuously. His faithfulness stands the test of time. He will walk with you through the most painful of times and show you hope when your eyes can’t see the light.

[content_band style=”color: #fff;” bg_color=”#336699″ border=”all” inner_container=”true”]If you’re struggling with your spouse’s porn addiction, I want to help you any way I can. Send me a message on Facebook by CLICKING HERE.[/content_band]

Twenty-one months ago, our family began the adoption process. Yes, we’re that crazy family that began the adoption process with an 11-month-old and baby #2 on the way.

Walking this journey has taught me so much about God, his people, our children, and his church. There are multiple ways God uses his people to help children without families. Here are a few things I think the church needs to know about adoption.

Adoption is the Gospel.

The foundation of adoption is not seen when we look at families adopting children today, but when we look at the way God adopted us. Adoption is the HEART of the gospel. Look at Galatians 4:4-5, 7.

[blockquote cite=”Galatians 4:4-5,7″ type=”left”]But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons… So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.[/blockquote]

How amazing is that?! He didn’t say, “so you may go to heaven.” He didn’t say, “so you can enjoy gifts like joy and peace while you’re on this earth.” He says, “we have been adopted as his CHILDREN!!” He has given us the whole package…the family deal…the whole shebang. Yep, he is our Father when we need guidance, abundant life, freedom, salvation, and an inheritance. It’s all ours. It’s the Gospel. It’s why Jesus came.

Adoption is a sign the world is broken.

Jesus adopted us. Yes, that’s EXCITING news! But the reality is adoption exists because sin exists. It is a product of this broken world. And we paint adoption as a beautiful picture. What we see, however, is one outer layer. Underneath the paint are layers of hurt, pain, neglect, and suffering.

It’s easy for people to look into the world of adoption and see the beauty. But the real picture is one of tragedy. Thankfully, we serve a God who specializes in transforming tragedy into triumph. We serve a God who takes something ugly and makes it beautiful.

Adoption is messy.

Remember the moment you became a Christian? You felt on top of the world, right? I did. And then…a few weeks after I realized I was still a really messed up human in desperate need of Jesus. When we adopt children, the ultimate picture isn’t what we see on blogs and social media.

The real picture isn’t a blended family where no one looks alike but all seems picture perfect. No, it’s a daily grind. It’s a daily renewal. If you think children who come from hopeless situations will be an easy ride, you are drinking the blog/social media kool-aid. Look in the mirror. What do you see? I see a mess. I see a woman who loves the Lord but fails often. We can’t expect adopted children to be any different.

Adoption is not a noble, heroic mission project.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard, “This is a noble thing you are doing.” While I appreciate the attempt (yes, much worse things have been said), adoption is not our mission project. When we look at a child as a way to “do good” in the world, we are stripping the child of his or her humanity and ability to be a true member of our family.

There are many situations when Christians “do good” to “feel good.” This is problematic. At the end of the day, we are not heroes in a Marvel comic book. We are broken people striving to live in the footsteps of Jesus. God calls us to do things so HIS name is glorified. It has nothing to do with us. While we hope everything we do in life points people to Jesus, there is nothing noble or heroic about adopting a child.

We aren’t heroes in a comic book. We are broken people striving to live like Jesus.

Adoption takes a village. Church…that includes YOU!

We have two biological boys. When I’m dragging in on a Sunday morning with a child on each hip after 4,293 tears (Yes..I have counted each one) are shed, 3 outfits are ruined and no one has had breakfast, I’m so grateful for the body of Christ that grabs a baby and walks through the messiness of the day with me.

It’s easy for people to ask the question, “When is your child coming home?” I’ve come to dislike that question. I don’t dislike the people who ask it, just the question. The fact is, I don’t know when our child is coming home. Unlike pregnancy, adoption has NO timeline. In fact, we’ve already experienced so many roadblocks and speed bumps in the past 21 months I am convicted the Lord saw the need to do some serious refining in me in the area of trusting His timing.

The church must be present to walk with people through this process. Some churches are better at this than others. But here’s the thing…more families would be willing to adopt if they saw the church as a body that would carry them through the process. It’s often a lonely road to travel.

People understand pregnancy. People don’t understand adoption. I am praying churches will educate themselves about adoption, supporting adoption, and encouraging adoption.

Adoption can look different.

There are ALOT of ways adoption occurs. We have friends who adopted an infant domestically. I recently made a new friend who adopted her husband’s biological children, and he adopted her biological children after they each experienced spousal death in their first marriage. Another friend adopted an older child from foster care. We know grandparents who adopted their grandchildren. Others adopt children with special needs. Adoptions occur from the United States, China, Ethiopia, the Marshall Islands, Kazakhstan and lots of countries in between.

You get the picture. Very few adoptions are the same. God orchestrates each situation in a unique way. Because we are adopting from Ethiopia does not mean I do not care about the children in foster care or the children in Haiti. Maybe one day God will call us to adopt from those places. Right now, our family is seeking and trusting God’s guidance. And we believe we are exactly where He wants us.

Adoption is not a calling for everyone.

James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

One of our dearest friends graduated from college and immediately became a houseparent in a children’s home. You want to talk about living out James 1:27?? A 22-year-old female raising a house full of children whose parents were deemed incapable of raising them is the ultimate example of this verse. That’s called MESSY…and OBEDIENT.

Another friend of mine, along with my college roommate, started a non-profit to help an orphanage in Uganda, a youth program in Kenya, AND adopting families in the U.S. That’s THEIR calling. Many families, friends, and people we’ve never met have used their financial resources to help fund our adoption. It is only through God’s goodness and use of his people we have been able to make every payment along the way.

Adoption is our calling, but maybe it’s not yours. You’re here for a purpose. Never try to live someone else’s calling. You’ll miss out on what God has YOU here to do!

I hope you will start seeking a heart like Jesus if you are not doing so already. The heart of Jesus is one that breaks when children do not have families. A heart that breaks when children are neglected. And ultimately I pray the broken heart of God towards our helplessness will become your broken heart towards the helpless of this world.

What have you learned about adoption that you want others to know? What do you want to know about adoption? Leave a comment below. Thanks for reading!

Blessings!

Tiffani Powell