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Raising Godly Kids Is Not About Going To Church

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell

We pulled out of our driveway at 8 a.m. headed to Lincoln, AL. Never heard of it? Me neither. This small town could pass as the logo for a backwoods, stuck-in-yesteryear Alabama community. On my way through, I passed as many Confederate flags as Red, White and Blue ones. 

I apologize if you reside in Lincoln or feel a special connection with it. I mean no disrespect. Well, maybe I do. Only a touch of disrespect, though, and a touch is fair, don’t you think? If you don’t, see the paragraph above about the Confederate flags. 

I would’ve never traveled through Lincoln, but my oldest son, Noah, had a baseball tournament there. On this day, Noah and I left the fam at home and set out on the 45 minute trek by ourselves. It was Sunday, and for the fifth or sixth weekend in a row, the first day of the week began with a ballgame. Since February, I’ve only seen the inside of our church building a time or two.

The Powell’s have entered that season of life where kids outgrow sweet local, everyone-wins-and-eats-cake-afterwards sports and move into competitive events. To be honest, I’ve looked forward to this season for a long time. I love kids, and I love sports, so when God blessed me with two sons, this is the season I envisioned. While the world of competitive sports is busy and hectic and a bit ridiculous, I love seeing the joy on Noah and Micah’s face as they run hither and thither around baseball and soccer and football fields. They love sports as much as I do. 

There’s a problem, though. Maybe you’ve diagnosed it. You’re a good Christian, so I’m sure you have. We miss church. A lot. What message are we sending our kids? Are we telling them sports are more important than God? Are we placing their well-being before the well-being of myself and my wife? Are we not feeding the demon of travel sports, the demon that’s ruining the modern-day church?

I used to answer yes to these questions, and if you answer yes, that’s fine. But I don’t answer yes to them anymore. The drive to Lincoln with my son changed that.

As we left the house, I wanted to turn up the radio. I wanted to tune out. But I stopped myself and instead spent the 45-minute drive talking to my son about God and life and the difference between knowledge and wisdom. 

He asked me at one point if I ever made mistakes, decisions I regret, choices that hurt people. I told him I did, and he was shocked.

Really, he said, and I thought he might cry. You make mistakes?

I then told him that everyone makes mistakes, and he will too, and sometimes those mistakes hurt people. I told him you can’t spend your life trying to avoid failure. The most important thing is that you learn from your mistakes, that you don’t repeat them, and if your choices hurt someone, you ask for forgiveness. That’s how you grow, I said.

Until that moment, Noah thought I was perfect. Kids assume their parents are flawless, and it’s our job to explain to them that we’re not, so that when they make mistakes, they don’t drown in shame. 

I asked Noah where he sees God. I told him where I look for God and how you can find God anywhere, if you have the eyes to see. 

The entire drive was a holy, divine experience. I arrived at the baseball field alive and closer to God than I had in a long time. God descended on my white mini-van and filled every square inch of that steel frame. I could feel the Divine’s presence.

___________

Loving God and teaching your children about God isn’t about showing up for church every Sunday. The American church has done a disservice to parents by making us believe we can raise strong, mature Christians if we show up at a building and prioritize God one hour every week. Not only this, but the church has made us believe we can pass our children off to teachers and task these teachers, mostly volunteers, with their spiritual development, that this is an okay and acceptable and even proper way to raise godly Christians.

It’s not.

You, the parent, are the single greatest determining factor in the spiritual growth of your children. If you want to glimpse the spiritual future of your children, look in the mirror. There you will find it. 

Do I believe Christians should attend and be involved in a church? Of course. But let’s stop pretending we can outsource our children’s faith to a group of volunteers for one hour a week and expect them to mature into faithful followers of Christ.

HOW TO RAISE KIDS WHO LOVE GOD

There are a lot of articles and books and talks about how to raise godly kids, how to build in them a faith that withstands the disappointments of life. I’ve read a bunch of them. And while there’s nothing wrong with how to articles, most of them miss the point.

Like most things in life, the right thing is usually the hardest. 

What is it? It’s sitting down with your kids and talking to them about God. It’s not about going to church once a week. Church is a good thing. Church is part of the formula, but one hour a week isn’t THE formula. Surely we don’t think it is. 

If you want your kids to love God, you must show them the way. You, as their parent, the human being they spend the most time with and love the most. You must do it. You must be intentional about pointing out God and showing your offspring how to look for the Divine. 

God seemed to know this, too. When the Israelites prepared to enter the Promised Land, God gave them a lot of commandments. Why did he give them so many? Two reasons. First, because he wanted the Israelites set apart from the other peoples, so he could reveal his glory. Second, though, God knows humans forget. So, this is what God says in Deuteronomy 6:7-9:

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

When God wanted to ensure that the next generation didn’t forget him, he told the parents to create a rhythm of God-talk and God-awareness. He instructed parents to talk about God as they walked down the road of life, in the little moments here and there. This is how you lay the foundation for a God-consciousness that will last a lifetime.

This is how you raise children who love God.

You build God into the rhythm of your life. You talk about God wherever you go. At the grocery store. On the baseball field. On the way to school. On the ride home from school. When you play in the yard. When you travel on vacation. Wherever you go, as you tread through life, you talk about God. This is our task, as parents. The same task that God gave the Israelites he gives to us.  

This isn’t some earth-shattering exercise. It’s quite simple. You look for opportunities to inject love and joy and hope into the conversation. When you see a homeless man, for example, give him some food. Or talk to your kids about how Jesus would love them. When you see the flowers blooming, mention their beauty and ask your kids where beauty comes from. And so on. This is how we raise the next generation to love God with all their heart and mind. 

We don’t do it by passing them to volunteers one hour a week. We do it by consistently exposing them to the language and character of God.

THE BIGGEST THREAT TO RAISING KIDS WHO LOVE GOD

As we talk about working God-talk into the rhythm of our lives, I must say this. 

Technology is the greatest threat to the spiritual growth of our children. Why? It eliminates boredom, and boredom is the open door to the divine. Too many parents throw a screen or a device in front of their children every moment they’re awake, and then wonder why, as their little ones grow to teenagers and young adults, they don’t care about people or the things of God. Well, they were never shown how. Technology crucified their boredom, and without boredom, I don’t know how you make room for God.

Tiffani and I might be making a mistake, but we refuse to solve our kids’ boredom with technology. This is the hill we’re willing to die on. The one thing we’re willing to be wrong about. 

We let them watch tv. Our mini-van has one built in, and it’s a life-saver on long trips. But we don’t watch it unless we travel out of town. Our kids don’t own iPhones and won’t for the foreseeable future. We don’t have gaming systems. I’m not against these things. If you have them, fine. No worries. In my experience, though, it‘a harder to engage with your children and invite those God moments when they’re face is in a screen. The first moment they sense boredom, they turn to technology, and they never learn how to tolerate boredom and therefore never learn how to look for God. 

On the ride to Lincoln, Noah didn’t have a screen to pacify him. This gave me the open door to talk to him about life and God and so on. Not every moment like this shakes the foundations of your life. Sometimes I’m alone with my kids and try to dig below life’s superficial terrain, and hit nothing but solid stone. If this happens, I don’t force it. I thank God for this moment, just as it is, and move on. 

Regardless, this strange truth remains: God seems content with not forcing himself onto anyone who doesn’t want to give him room. And in a culture where technology fills the void where boredom once lived, I fear God will disappear from the consciousness of our children. It’s our job as parents to make sure this doesn’t happen.

_______

I want to give God room. I want to allow space in my life and the lives of my kids for God to show. This won’t happen at church one a week. This happens when we make a conscious decision to look for God as we go throughout our day. It starts with us. We can’t show our children what we don’t see ourselves. Look for God. Pray for opportunities, for wisdom and clarity and courage to integrate God into the rhythm of our lives. 

Grace and peace, friends.   

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Relationships

8 Qualities Of Toxic People

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell

As a former pastor, I bumped shoulders with a lot of people. Much of pastoring is managing people, listening to problems, crying and laughing and celebrating with those in your community. It’s exhausting work. That’s probably why I’m scribbling words on a screen nowadays. I’m an introvert, and church offers few reprieves from the energy sucking vampires that are human beings. 

I’m joking. I like humans, most of the time. 

Most people I knew were fine. I enjoyed their presence. They understood boundaries and healthy realtionships and took an interest in my well-being. Not everyone understood these things, though. 

One guy in particular – I’ll call him David – showed up at church one Wednesday night. I was a college pastor, and he wasn’t in college but was college age, so he came in my class. At the time, I had no boundaries. I didn’t think they were necessary. So, I took this guy under my wing. David had endured so much pain and loss. He had no family. He told me his life story the first night I met him. I knew I was in over my head. He was hurting, though, and he didn’t know Jesus, so I had to invest in him.

The first week or two, everything was fine. I checked in on him throughout the day, and he came over every now and then. We mostly talked about Jesus and faith and things like that.

Around week three, though, our relationship turned toxic. He began calling me late at night, ten or eleven or later and refused to let me off the phone. He told me he was depressed and suicidal, and when I tried to explain that I would get him professional help, he refused. When I could no longer fight off exhaustion, and I told him I needed rest, he shamed me. 

“If you cared about me, you wouldn’t abandon me,” he said.  

And here’s the thing: I believed him. So, for a week or two, we talked every night, and for a week or two, I woke up exhausted, unable to focus at work or spend time with my family. I sacrificed every other person in my life, including myself, for David. I thought I was doing what Jesus would do. Would Jesus not stay up til the wee hours of the a.m. and listen to David’s ramblings? 

No, I don’t believe he would. In fact, Jesus often distanced himself from toxic people. The rich, young ruler is one example. Judas, however, is the most infamous. Why did Jesus allow Judas to walk out of that room and betray him? Why didn’t Jesus chase after him? I don’t know. But, he did. 

And I should’ve let David walk, too. I did, but not until I made myself sick from exhaustion and shame.  

The Difference Between Toxic People and Hard People

Hard people aren’t the same as toxic people. I want to make sure you hear that. I’m not advocating for the removal of every person who grinds on your nerves or causes you stress.

God places some people in your life to expose the flaws you deny. You can and should invest in hard people, as long as you establish and maintain boundaries, and protect your heart and mind from bitterness and fatigue.

The disciples (sans Judas) are a good example. Over and over, Jesus tries to explain his purpose, the reason he’s on earth, and over and over, they miss the point. They’re selfish. They grab for power. And, when Jesus needs them most, when the mobs come to take him away, every last disciple abandons him. Yet, Jesus never gives up on these men. He invests in them. Even hours before his death, he’s with them, speaking life and love. And after the Resurrection, Jesus appears to them.

Knowing the difference between hard people and toxic people is the difference between becoming more like God and losing your soul. Toxic people will take everything from you. You should part ways from them this very moment. And, look, I get it. Sometimes the toxic person is a family member or spouse, and leaving them isn’t easy. But, believe me, when I say you’re following in the footsteps of Jesus when you do. Sometimes you must part ways from someone you love for them to find healing. 

Every single human will encounter a toxic person at some point in your life.

Here are a few qualities they share.

1. Toxic people are skeptical about everyone and everything.

Toxic people think everyone is out to get them. They live in a world of conspiracy theories and worst-case scenarios. They make up stories and narratives to fit the world they conceive in their mind. They blur the truth. They can’t tolerate chaos and unknown. Everything must make sense. 

We saw this during the last election, as people refused to stare facts in the face. They couldn’t believe Trump lost. It was a cover-up. The system was rigged. The election was stolen. Some people still believe this. 

We saw this during the pandemic, as people raced to the internet to share the latest conspiracy theory about Dr. Fauci or the government or whatever. COVID wasn’t real or dangerous. Masks don’t work. And so on. When the school district in my community decided to mandate masks, a group of women gathered to protest, saying masks were stupid and unnecessary and COVID wasn’t real. The husband of one of these moms died from COVID not longer after.

The point is toxic people must control the narrative at all times and eliminate unknown and chaos at all costs. They don’t live in reality. Reality has too many unknowns.

2. Toxic people avoid intimacy. 

Intimacy is one of the most important qualities of health. Healthy people aren’t afraid of intimacy. They aren’t afraid of vulnerability. They build close, meaningful relationships.

Toxic people are superficial. In relationships, everything is surface level. They don’t talk about emotions or motives. They refuse to do any work on themselves.

This is one of the huge failings of megachurches in America. They promote a culture where individuals can pose as leaders for God without having to do the hard work of becoming like God. If you’ve listened to or read about any of the stories recently, from Mars Hill to Hillsong, you see a common thread: leaders without accountability. Leaders who don’t have to go deep with other humans. 

Power of any kind without intimacy or accountability leads to toxicity. 

So, if your pastor or boss or friend or family member refuses to go below the surface and becomes defensive if you try, chances are you’re dealing with a toxic person.

3. Toxic people don’t understand or respect boundaries.

Prentice Hemphill says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” That’s a great definition. You should write it down.

Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships. They’re also essential to self-care. Boundaries draw the line between what’s acceptable and what’s not so you can protect your peace and joy and all the qualities that give you life.

Hard people will honor your boundaries, if you make them clear. They might make you feel like a cow turd, but they will respect them. Toxic people won’t. Here’s why. Toxic people have no boundaries. They don’t recognize spaces and limitations. They believe the world is theirs. They own the singular deed to the planet.

And if someone thinks they own the world, including yours, you can’t reason with them. 

4. Toxic people speak in absolutes.

Toxic people see a black-and-white world, and though most people struggle with seeing shades of grey, toxic people don’t struggle at all. The world is black and white, period. Grey isn’t in their color box. They see the world this way because it helps them manipulate people and retain power. 

You can’t reason with a person who sees through the lens of absolutes. You can’t have a productive conversation with them. 

If you’re wondering whether a person is hard or toxic, listen for trigger words – never and always, for example. “You never do this” or “You always do that.” You can correlate a person’s toxicity with the degree to which they see the world as black and white.

5. Toxic people are always right.

Toxic people never believe they’re wrong. Ever. It’s not that they refuse to take responsibility for mistakes. They don’t believe they’ve made any. Their problems are someone else’s fault. If and when you call them out on this, they become defensive and resort to manipulation and playing the victim.

6. Toxic people make you question reality. 

This is called gaslighting. We should recognize it well. We endured four years of it with the previous president. That’s the problem with gaslighting, though. It’s difficult to recognize. 

Toxic people change facts and manipulate circumstances to make you think you’re wrong or that you don’t remember the event properly. 

When someone gaslights you, they dismiss your feelings. They never let you talk during conflict. They refuse to apologize, and if they do, the apology looks something like: “I’m sorry you got upset about what I said.” Again, it’s blame-shifting. So, over time, you begin to question yourself. You mistrust what you see. This is what toxic people want. Once you question reality, they have control. Toxic people are always after control.

7. Toxic people must tear others down to lift themselves up.

Toxic people see life as a zero sum game. There can only be one winner, and they are it. They criticize and attack and undermine everyone in their path. Toxic people can’t celebrate or encourage or support other people. They can only tear down.

8. Toxic people take without giving anything in return.

Toxic people are leeches. They ask you to give everything, and when you ask for something in return, they pull from their extensive list of excuses. Toxic people only value you for what they receive from you. They have no conscience about it, either. They don’t care if you’re struggling emotionally or physically. They continue to ask for more.

They feel entitled to your time and energy and resources. It’s your job to improve their life, to make them happy. 

Toxic people are chronic hoarders. They take from everyone around them, and they never give anything back, not to those closest to them or to the world. The sad irony is the more you hoard, the less you have. True life is found through giving. It reflects the nature of God, who gives and gives, without expecting anything in return.

__________

Toxic people can ruin your life. There’s nothing noble or virtuous about allowing a toxic person to remain in your life. Jesus didn’t. And he’s our example. We should follow in his steps.

Grace and peace, friends.

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Relationships

The 7 Most Important Lessons I’ve Learned About Marriage

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell
healthy tips about marriage

I’ve been married twelve years. I remember life before Tiffani as though seeing through an old glass Coke bottle. I know there’s something on the other side, and I’m sure it was fun and enjoyable, but I can’t make out the shapes. And I don’t care to. I love Tiffani. I love my life with her. I love sharing life with her. I love parenting with her. I love sex with her.

The road hasn’t been smooth, though. Those first years of marriage were hard. We fought. A lot. Then, Tiffani discovered I had a porn addiction. Then, a chronic illness plagued my life and rendered our relationship a shell of its former self. I was so sick. Tiffani was so lonely. It was a dark time. 

But we didn’t give up, not on ourselves, not on each other, not on our marriage. Before you get married, people don’t tell you about dark times. They don’t tell you that one day you might discover your spouse has an addiction or cancer. Maybe people shouldn’t say these things. Maybe there’s no point because you can only learn from life by living it. 

Regardless, I’m telling you now. Marriage is hard. It’s beautiful and redemptive and life-giving. But it’s also very hard. Over the past twelve years, I’ve learned a lot, most of it through suffering and failure. I want to share a few things I’ve learned with you. 

Here are the 7 most important lessons I’ve learned about marriage so far. 

1. True love takes time. A lot of time. 

Before you’re married, you think you love someone. Maybe you do. If you do, though, the love is newborn. It’s weak and penetrable, and without proper care and a lot of time, it will die. 

Think about it. Two people exchange “I dos” then live it up and have lots of sex on an all-inclusive resort where every one caters to them. Every person on staff literally gets paid to give these emotionally intoxicated newlyweds everything they want. Then the couple returns to their starter home and 8-5 job, and they expect this infantile love, with its devotion to passion and emotion, to sustain them for the next 50 years. It won’t. 

Very few people on earth ever experience real love. It takes too long. It requires too much effort. I remember an older couple telling me one time they didn’t begin to enjoy their marriage until year ten or eleven. When they said that, I thought, good Lord, do I really have to wait that long? Surely not. 

I did have to wait that long. I’m on year twelve. This is the best one of the dozen, and there’s not a close second.

We don’t like to wait. We don’t like to endure, and in our right now culture, we don’t have to. That’s a tragedy. 

Amazon can deliver a car to your front door tomorrow, but no matter how much we expedite services, life’s most meaningful realities will always take time. Love. Joy. Peace. These must marinate in letdowns and heartaches, in celebrations and triumphs. They must endure the ups and downs of life. There are no shortcuts or overnight deliveries. Sorry.

Love takes time. 

2. The reason you get married is not the same reason you stay married.

The woman I married twelve years ago isn’t the same woman who woke up by my side this morning. People change. I’ve heard the cells in your body die and new ones replace them every seven years. I don’t think that means you’re a new person every seven years. It does mean, however, everything changes. 

The reason I married Tiffani is not the same reason I’m still with her. My worldview has changed. So has hers. Our longings and desires have changed. And that’s okay. It’s more than okay, it’s healthy. Too many people view change as an enemy. That’s a sign of insecurity. Insecurity will suffocate love. 

Kahlil Gibran, the great poet, says, “Love that does not renew itself every day becomes a habit and in turn a slavery.”

Love is change. If you’re not willing to change and allow your spouse the freedom to change, you’re not willing to love. It’s that’s simple. 

3. The only problem with your marriage is you. 

I’m remodeling our bathroom, and it’s going about like you would expect for someone with a job and three kids and a daily writing habit. A few nights ago, I was exhausted and frustrated. The clock hand showed midnight. Tiffani wanted to help. I’m not good at delegating, though, so I told her to go to bed. Then, I got frustrated with her. I got mad because I told her to go to bed. No, I got mad because I decided to take on a project I never should have taken on. 

Do you see what happened? I got mad at her, but I was the problem. 

Here’s a maxim for a healthy marriage: you are always the problem. Always. 

The healthiest marriages involve two people who refuse to take their pain out on each other. Your spouse isn’t a sponge to absorb your anxieties. Those are between you and your God.

4. Marriage needs privacy. 

Marriages thrive under a veil of secrecy, meaning some things must remain between yourself and your spouse. There’s something mystical and magical about this bond. Opening the front door to your marriage and exposing it to the world destroys the magic. 

Maybe you don’t do social media. Kudos to you. What about your friends, though? Your parents? Do they know the inner workings of your relationship? Should they? Probably not. 

Here’s something Tiffani and I both practice: we never say a negative word about the other to any one outside our home, which is everyone. I don’t use my friends or family as a sounding board for the things that frustrate me about my marriage, and I refuse to entertain conversations with people who do.

This is simple respect for the one you love. If you engage in this behavior, that’s fine. Just know you’re eroding the sacred bond of love. 

5. Laughter is essential. 

So, here’s something I’ve learned in my years with Tiffani. I can measure the health of our relationship by two things: how often we laugh and how easily we get offended. If you’re not laughing with your spouse, that’s a red flag. Laughter is essential to health. If you don’t have fun with your spouse, it’s not long before love leaves the room and apathy fills the void. Laughter is a balm for love. 

I’ve also noticed that when I’m easily offended by Tiffani’s words, a rift exists somewhere, and I need to fix it. When we’re connected, I rarely take things personally.

Remember this: love, in its purest distillation, is un-offendable. 

How often you get offended is a marker for health in your marriage. 

6. Your relationship will become an average of the relationships you surround yourself with. 

You will become an average of your closest friends. You’ve heard that before, I’m sure. Well, the same is true with your marriage. If you don’t have examples of thriving, healthy marriages in your life, you shouldn’t expect your marriage to end up that way. If you spend time with couples who argue and talk about one another and so on, you will do the same. 

Unfortunately, sometimes the people you need to distance yourself from are your closest friends or even family. If you value your spouse, though, you can’t take this point lightly. You must protect your marriage. 

You can do a lot of things right in marriage. In fact, you can nail all the points above. If, however, you surround yourself with toxic people in unhealthy relationships, none of those things will matter. The unhealthy people will choke out the good. Don’t allow toxic relationships to shackle yours. Make hard decisions, if you must. The future of your marriage depends on it.

7. Go to bed angry.

In the early years of our marriage, Tiffani and I never went to bed angry. We followed this out-of-context verse from Paul in Ephesians 4:26 about never letting the sun set on your anger. We often stayed up until midnight arguing, and we accomplished nothing. Then, we would wake up tired and bitter and, guess what, we were still angry.

We stopped that crap years ago. Here’s why. Most of the things you argue about at night are insignificant. You’re arguing because you’re tired, not because there’s legitimate conflict. Chances are when you wake up the next day, what felt so important the night before will melt away in the cauldron of good sleep.

Tiffani and I don’t argue about anything past 9 p.m.

This is one of the best decisions we’ve made in our marriage. I’m serious. It transformed our relationship. If something needs to be addressed, we sleep on it and discuss it the next day, when we have energy and mental clarity and we’re emotionally sober.

8. Your spouse is NOT your better half.

Here’s a bonus point because I love you guys so much. I’m playing. I don’t even know you.

You here it all the time, right? “Where’s your better half?” I despise this question. It implies that in a marriage, two whole people somehow becomes less than God created them to be.

The foundation of a healthy relationship is two people who could live separately but choose to live together. Write that down.

If you can’t live by yourself, then you won’t have a healthy marriage. Here’s why. You will depend on your spouse to fill the voids that exist in your heart. And your spouse can’t do that.

Tiffani is a beautiful, independent woman. She doesn’t need me. I don’t need her, either. And I’m grateful for that. This frees me to love her as she is and not expect her to become some idealized image of who I need her to be.

You must love yourself and love being with yourself before you can love another person.

___________

Marriage is incredible. It’s also hard work. It’s a paradox, in other words. Life’s most transformative realties are that way. I’m so thankful for my marriage. I pray God’s blessing on yours as well. 

Grace and peace, friends. 

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Relationships

An Open Letter To My Sons

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell

Noah and Micah, 

I prayed for you before you were born. I thought about holding you and playing ball with you and teaching you about life. Maybe I thought about these things because I never had a dad. Well, I had one. But he wasn’t present. Maybe I sat awake at night as a teenager, thinking about you, because I wanted to be the dad I never had myself. So I dreamed up all the things I thought a good dad would do. I rehearsed entire scenes in my head, then I would smile and say, “One day…” and turn over on my pillow and go to sleep. 

Now, you’re here. The moment you were born, I held you close and felt a strange paradox: joy and dread. Joy, first, because of your presence. A piece of me is here, in my arms. When you become a parent, something in you changes. You become someone new, almost instantly. When you arrived, the world seemed good, even the worst parts drowned out by the love I felt for you. Evil didn’t exist in those first moments after your birth. Eden was reborn in that hospital room, and I will never forget it. 

I also felt dread, though. I felt dread because I knew the kind of world you were entering. This world is beautiful and the people in it are good and try their very best. I believe that. But the world is also broken and people carry around all kinds of wounds, from failed expectations and abuse and so on. You will suffer. You can’t avoid it. As I held you that first time, I shed a few tears, wishing this weren’t true. I want to shield you from the pains of life. If I could, I would absorb every mistreatment, every misspoken word, every scrape and scar to your physical body and your heart. But I can’t. Few things are more central to life than suffering. My role as your dad is to prepare you for it, to show you how to endure suffering, to learn and grow from it. This is a daunting task, and I fail often. 

The Most Important Thing I Want You To Know

Of all the things I want you to know about suffering, dear sons, this is the most important: God is the only source large enough to take your pain and transform it. If I teach you anything, I want to teach you how to hold you suffering, like Christ held his on the cross, until God takes it and transforms it. When you’re hurt, you will be tempted to hurt others. You will want to find a scapegoat, somewhere to offload your pain, a friend or loved one or spouse. Suffering is like a virus. It needs a host to survive. Remove the host, the virus dies. The same is true for suffering. Don’t spread the virus. If you need an example, look to Christ. He shows us how to end the cycle of suffering and bring heaven to earth. Follow his example. I will try my best to lead the way for you. 

I struggle with intimacy. I always have. I refuse to settle for a life of distance, but drawing near to people is really hard. I tell you this because I want to apologize for all the times I’ve been with you and settled for meaningless chatter or no chatter at all. I want to talk to you about things that matter. I want to ask you how you saw God today, in your conversations at school or in the trees as you ride down the road. But I don’t. I ask you how recess went instead.

I want you to have an awareness of God in all things. I want you to know God is with you at all times. God celebrates with you when you win a big game or pass a test. He also cries with you when your friends leave you out or when you’re scared at night. God is with you at all times, always loving, never judging. 

What It Means To Be A Man

The world will try to tell you what it means to be a man. Many of these things you will know, not because someone tells you, but because they hover in the air, invisible but active, like oxygen. Most everyone breathes the air and falls in line. Don’t fall in line, my sons. Don’t believe the lies you see lived out in men on tv or on the news. You will notice that most men don’t show emotions. You will also notice how most men love certainty and avoid failure. They equate success with identity, and they refuse to ask for help. Most men think this shows strength and, God helps us, maturity. It shows neither.

Don’t get caught up pursuing our culture’s picture of manhood. It will make you heart hard as stone, and you will live your days hopelessly insecure. Unhealthy men have caused more harm to people than we have created good in the world. I hate to say that, but it’s true. Men have used their strength and power to abuse and manipulate, often at the expense of the weak and vulnerable. You don’t have to settle for this, though. 

Try to be a good human, instead. Try to live like Christ.

People are more important than progress. Never forget that. Success is enticing, but you often have to step on a lot of necks to reach the top. If you gain the whole world, but sacrifice even one person in the process, you gain nothing. Your life is worth nothing. I want your life to be worth something, not in the world’s eyes, but in God’s. In God’s economy, people are the only currency. Become rich in God’s economy.

Don’t support laws or systems that dehumanize people. Stand up for injustice. Find the outcast and the marginalized wherever you are, in your school or on the street, and befriend them. Jesus is always with the least of these, and I want you to always be with Jesus. I haven’t modeled this well. I will try to do better. 

Strength has nothing to do with violence or weapons. Weapons don’t heal. Weapons create more violence, more suffering. Strength has nothing to do with certainty, either. Strength is an inner resolve, a deep, abiding security in who you are and a willingness to live fully present in this very moment. It’s a willingness to love at all costs, to give yourself for the good of the world, to stand for truth and for justice, even if you lose friends or a job, or your reputation or even your life. Certainty is a sign of immaturity. You can’t follow God and certainty. Choose the former.

You Will Suffer

At some point in your life, someone you know, someone you love, will hurt you. It will feel like death. You’ll want to build walls around your heart so you never experience pain like that again. Please don’t build walls. If you do, many toxic and unhealthy seeds find the necessary environment to germinate, seeds like apathy and cynicism and bitterness and others. If you continue watering these, they will grow, and like dandelions, they will eventually infest the landscape of your heart, drowning out the things of God, things like love and joy and peace.

Open your heart all the way to love. When someone wounds you, it’s okay to be angry and upset. It’s okay to cry. Call me. I will listen. I will walk with you as long as it takes. Your mom is a far better listener than I am. You can call her as well. 

When You Fall In Love

One final thing. Your mom is an amazing woman. I love her beyond vocabulary. Sometimes you ask why we argue. You don’t ask this often because we don’t argue often. But sometimes we do. That energy you see is the energy of love. In our arguing, I hope you see that we respect each other. We don’t call names or degrade. We argue. We find a resolution. We move on. This is a necessary and important part of loving someone for a long time.

One day you will feel for someone like I feel for your mom. If you don’t, that’s just fine. But you probably will. You will fall in love, as they say. I think that’s a fair way to put it, because you lose control, and it feels like you’re plummeting into the unknown. It’s scary. It’s also exhilarating . When you find this person, remember that while the feeling you have now is beautiful and euphoric, the feeling isn’t love. You’re falling into love, but you’re not there yet. 

Our culture knows very little about love and even less about commitment and covenant. Don’t allow our culture to define love for you. Our culture gives up on love way too soon. It looks for love in the wrong places. It tries to make love an idol. Me and your mom have been married twelve years. I’m just scratching the surface of what it means to love her and to be loved by her. Love takes time, that’s all I’m trying to say. Be patient with love and with the person you choose to spend your life loving.

My sons, you are strong and brave. You will make mistakes, but never let your mistakes define you. Forgive those you hurt. Repent. Learn from your failures. Then continue down the road of life. Don’t forget to laugh. Life is full of joy. Don’t forget to cry either. Most of all, remember God. If your one and only desire in this life is know God, your life will have joy and peace and meaning. He is in all things and all people at all times, but you must have the eyes to see. I pray you have the eyes to see.

I love you,

Dad

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Relationships

7 Lies Culture Tells Us About Love and Romance

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell

I’m rounding the final turn in my 6th year of marriage. Despite the struggles Tiffani and I faced the last 12 months, I can say with certainty we’re closer and enjoyed one another more in year six than any year so far.

Why? First, struggles inevitably do one of two things: tear a relationship apart or pull it closer together. For that reason, I’m thankful for the hardships we’ve experienced. A deeper understanding of life and its meaning go through struggle and hardship.

Another factor leading to growth in our marriage – maybe a product of our struggles, I’m not sure – is the realization that most, maybe all, of what I believed about love, romance, and sex going into marriage was a lie.

I have years of movies, songs, books, and unfortunately the church, to blame for this. There’s no shortage of voices in our culture when it comes to love, and they speak quite authoritatively on all matters of love and romance: what to value in a relationship, how to handle conflict, what real love looks like, the importance of sex, and so on.

The cultural perceptions of love speak so loud, in fact, and with such consistency that we would be naive to think we don’t enter into romantic relationships with a picture based largely on our surroundings. “Love has a history,” and we’re influenced by the voices more than we realize.

For nearly five years of my marriage, I listened, and my marriage suffered. Chalk it up to perseverance or maturity, but this year I stopped listening. And while Tiffani and I have by no means arrived, our relationship is healthier today than ever.

Regardless of your position in life’s journey – married, dating, single, whatever – tuning out the cultural lies about love, romance, and sex is essential to experiencing healthy relationships, and, in particular, healthy marriages.

1. Love is a feeling.

Almost all cultural signs point to this dangerous lie, that love is something you fall in and out of, a volcanic eruption of emotions and passion.

After seven years of marriage, I can say with 100% certainty love is not a feeling. Some days, I feel like throwing a temper tantrum because this marriage thing is hard, really hard. Magically, however, I feel different the next day, or after sex. This is the reality of feelings. They come and go, kind of like the wind, except that’s giving feelings to much credit. The day Tiffani and I were married, we made vows to one another. Countless times, we’ve rested on our vows because that’s what love does, it never fails.

Love is more powerful than failure and disappointment, it perseveres through sin and even death. That version of love – the real one – doesn’t sell tickets or books. It’s not popular or trendy.

But really, what are we saying about love, and more importantly, God, if it rests on a foundation as weak and shallow as feelings?

2. Opposites attract.

I can almost hear my grandmother saying it now. “You know, son. It’s like they always say…opposites attract.”

Who is “they”?

In our culture, magnetic attraction, butterflies and such, is a confirmation of true love, almost as if values and commonalities are insignificant.

Tiffani and I are opposites in many ways, no doubt. I’m an introvert. She’s outgoing. My thoughts are scattered and abstract. She a planner. I’m mostly wrong. She’s mostly right. You get the idea.

But despite the many ways we’re different, it’s the one thing we agree on that brought us together (and continues to do so today).

God.

When I met Tiffani, the magnetic attraction was there. But I’m convinced we wouldn’t have made it without our common love for God. Don’t be fooled by the opposites attract myth. Strong, stable relationships need commonalities to survive, specifically a common faith.

3. If you find the right person, your relationship won’t fail.

Cultural romance makes you believe one person exists for you. And only one. Therefore, your greatest task is finding the one.

This creates a family of problems. First, you expect perfection from everyone. Flaws of any magnitude are red flags signaling that person is not the one.

Another member of this family is co-dependency. If there’s only one person for you, you can’t lose that person. You need them to be complete and whole. Losing them means you lose love. They become your god. I’m not a relationship expert, but that sounds unhealthy.

Another problem with “the one” thinking is it naively believes failed relationships are “their” fault. It never assumes, in other words, the problem could be the person in the mirror.

Maybe this explains why someone with a track record of break ups or has multiple appointments with a Chicago Divorce Lawyer, usually believes the next one will work out. You probably know a person or two like this.

This great lie seeps into our minds at a young age. So, you can imagine how I responded when my first year of marriage was a mixed bag of arguments and failed expectations. At the time, I thought Tiffani was the problem. Turns out the opposite was true.

4. Looks are more important than character.

The cultural picture of men includes qualities like strong, rich, and powerful. Women are painted as beautiful and perfect. Just watch a movie or music video about love. I’ll just say this: if looks or money make your top 5 values in a future spouse, you’re doing it wrong.

My wife is gorgeous. But I didn’t marry her for looks. And she certainly didn’t marry me for money. What I saw in her was a woman whose relationship with God far outweighed her relationship with me. She had values, and she refused to comprise them.

For a relationship to last, you must choose someone who’s identity isn’t found in you. They love you, but they don’t need you. They tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear.

5. You can change someone if you try hard enough.

This is the classic example of “Beauty and the Beast.” If I try hard enough for long enough, I can change him (or her). More recently, Frozen featured a song with the words, “He’s a bit of a fixer upper,” as if men are dilapidated real estate whose only hope is Chip and JoJo Gaines. Shoutout to Fixer Upper.

In our culture, the belief that we can change someone is a huge threat to healthy marriages.

You can’t enjoy someone when you’re trying to change or fix them. In my seven years of marriage, this is the greatest lesson I’ve learned. I can’t change Tiffani. But I can change me. Whenever I catch myself wanting her to say or do a certain thing, I stop and ask what this reveals about me.

What you will see more is that when you focus on changing you, the other person changes as well. But you haven’t changed your partner. In fact, your partner hasn’t changed at all. You’ve simply changed your perspective.

You realize your spouse isn’t the problem. You are. Few realizations bring freedom and peace to a marriage like this one.

6. Conflict is temporary. Marriage is easy.

Culture says conflict in relationships is temporary, and all healthy relationships reach a point where everyone is happy, rides unicorns, and chews on Skittles.

In real life, marriage is hard, probably the hardest work you will do. Why? Two broken people are becoming one flesh. This involves tension, and this tension is healthy.

The gospel isn’t a “get out of conflict free” card. Jesus didn’t avoid pain and discomfort. He stepped into it, transformed it, and gave us new life. Marriage is beautiful because, unlike any other relationship on earth, it depicts the gospel.

Jesus followers have an opportunity to live out the gospel in their marriage everyday. Rather than viewing conflict as the second greatest evil (behind cats, of course), conflict is an opportunity to grow and give the world something beautiful, a picture of the gospel, a picture of God.

7. True love will solve your problems, all of them.

Does your life suck? Is your existence meaningless? Are you struggling with porn? Are you insecure and selfish? No worries. I have a quick fix for you.

It’s called love. True love fixes everything, always. Until you find it, your life will continue to suck and you will continue to struggle with porn.

So says culture, at least.

In reality, whatever baggage you carry before finding love follows you into the relationship. If you don’t unload the baggage beforehand, you’re throw it onto your partner. And some of that junk smells like crap.

_________________

Love is in desperate need of redemption. Maybe some of the voices are well-intentioned – like youth pastors who reference their “smokin’ hot wives or preachers who promise mind-blowing sex if you abstain from sex before marriage – but we can’t be content with motives. Lies about love impact lives, maybe even eternities.

I’m for love, romance, and sex. I’m for marriage. I sincerely hope yours flourishes.

I would love to hear from you. If you want further help on your relationship issues such as pathological lying, there are hundreds of websites to give you advice.

What are some lies you believe culture tells us about love and marriage?

Leave a comment below.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

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Relationships

Grieving The Loss Of Lovely: The Daughter I Never Met, But Will Always Love

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell

When Tiffani and I started the adoption journey, it sounded like fun. We were excited and hopeful. God ordained this. He planted the seed, and we agreed to give it water. We weren’t sure how fast the seed would grow or what it would look like once it matured. We just knew God wanted us to do adopt. So we jumped in.

But adoption’s not fun anymore.

June 16, after forty-one months of fundraisers, paperwork, prayer, and hopeful expectation, we were matched with a little girl from India. I’ll never forget seeing her face for the first time. Her name was Lovely, and that’s exactly what she was. Her name was also Matsy Grace, the name we chose for our first girl (for simplicity’s sake, I’ll call her Lovely moving forward). Tiffani and I looked at her picture – we only had one – most of the night. The emotional connection was instantaneous. We were still six months away from holding her for the first time, but she was already our daughter.

After receiving the referral, our agency recommended we update her medical information. This would ensure two things: up-to-date records (and treatments, if necessary) as well as new pictures and videos.

We waited nearly three weeks for the results.

July 3, we received three new videos. Tiffani watched them first. And what she saw disturbed her. Lovely looked feeble and malnourished. At the time, I was with a few friends. Before sending me the videos, Tiffani called. When your wife feels it’s necessary to warn you beforehand, you know it’s bad.

I put off watching them. I’m not sure why. Maybe I needed time to prepare. Maybe I hoped Tiffani was exaggerating about her health. When I finally hit the play button, my worst fears were realized.

At the time, I remained positive, both for myself and my family. She would be okay. The doctors in India would give her the proper attention. We would be there in a few months. Looking back, however, Lovely wasn’t okay. She was dying.

The next day, July 4, while our country celebrated freedom and independence, I felt shackled by the chains of paperwork and time. Lovely needed medical attention, and she needed it now. Tiffani researched the area around Lovely’s orphanage for jobs. Everyone needs a part-time speech therapist and pastor/engineer, right? She found nothing.

We were helpless. Rarely in our modern world, with advances in travel, health, and communication, are we in helpless situations. Our daughter was in serious trouble, however, and we couldn’t physically help her.

In this moment I realized my god complex was worse than I thought, much worse. Prayerful trust was my only option, and I didn’t like it. I’ve been taught God doesn’t bless idleness. Prayer matters, but it’s only one side of the equation.

Well, what happens when you can’t act? All you can do is wait…and trust.

Here’s what happened to me: self-doubt, restlessness, and frustration. A god complex doesn’t like inaction. It refuses to believe another person is in control, even if that person is God.

Not all heroism is evil, but when we believe a happy ending – our ending, in other words – is more important than God’s plan, we have problem. I’ll be honest, part of me wanted to “finish the deal.” I wanted the world to see me holding Lovely. I wanted to remove her from the brokenness and give her a life she couldn’t experience otherwise.

I’m not beating up on myself. I’m trying to communicate something about God. On my best day, when I put my best foot forward, when I search deep within my soul for unchecked agendas and biases, I’m still broken and selfish. God knows this yet still allows me to participate in his eternal redemption story.

We serve an amazing God.

July 5, less than 48 hours after watching the heart-breaking videos, we received the news. Lovely died. She was fifteen months old.

When Tiffani called and, through tears, uttered the words, I was numb. Or maybe I was emotionally paralyzed. I’m not sure. I didn’t know how to feel. How do you grieve this? How do you make sense of it? Lovely is my daughter. She died in an orphanage, before her second birthday. She died without seeing her family. She died alone.

That last sentence still keeps me up at night.

Death is inevitable. Most of us hate this reality. We would rather pretend death doesn’t exist than embrace it. In doing so, ironically, we avoid life. Real life, the kind Jesus promised in John 10:10, happens when we embrace both our limited and limitless natures. Otherwise, we’re left to create toxic god complexes, driven by selfish ambitions and fueled by fear.

I’m at peace with Lovely’s death. She’s whole now. She’s with God. But I’m not at peace with her final days. No one should die alone. No one should pass from this life to the next without a familiar hand nearby. Not even the most vile of human beings deserves such a fate.

Tragically, this is the fate for hundreds of thousands of orphans. They die alone. Their lives aren’t remembered or celebrated. While a funeral wasn’t possible, we refused to allow Lovely’s life to pass without doing something.

So we planned a celebration. Lovely will always be our daughter. She will always be loved. She will always have a family. These things should be celebrated.

We gathered with friends and family. I shared a few tear-filled thoughts. I rambled, really. No words make sense of tragedy. We released balloons into the sky. And we planted a tree, her tree. Incidentally, an hour or so after planting her tree, the bottom fell out. The heavens released at least an inch of rain. Maybe it’s coincidence. I choose to think otherwise.

Every time I visit my in-laws, I will stop short of their house to spend a few moments with Lovely.

I need you to understand something. I don’t despair of life. I’m not mad at God. Far from it. I’m even more convinced death isn’t final.

Love never dies. Hope never fails. I cling to these eternal truths with more certainty than ever. I’m not sure I’ll recognize Lovely in heaven. But I know she’s there. And, as a father, that’s the ultimate goal, the only goal, for my children. Lovely taught me not to fear death. She also showed me there’s a different kind of death, one that chooses fear and hate over love. Make no mistake, this death is a choice, a daily decision. These words in Deuteronomy have stuck with me the last few weeks.

“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the LORD your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life.”

Unfortunately, we choose this death too often, myself included. Moving forward, I’ll choose it less. Instead, I’ll choose gratitude. I’ll choose to enjoy every day for what it is, not what I expect it to be. I’ll choose love because it binds us together, all of us, it somehow binds me to Lovely, and it ultimately binds me to God.

I encourage you to choose this life as well.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

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Relationships

9 Things Your Children Need (But Won’t Tell You)

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell

Not long after my first son was born, someone came up to me and said something that changed my perspective on parenting. “Enjoy every moment. The days are long but the years are short.”

At the time, I was low on sleep and high on stress, and this wasn’t the time for one-liners. Why couldn’t he offer to babysit for a few hours instead?

But it’s been nearly four years since I held my son for the first time, and I’ve thought about his comment hundreds of times.

Parenting is a beautiful storm. Few endeavors are more life-giving and joy-filled. But it’s far from easy. Some days all you can do is hold on. The torrent of poop diapers and irresponsible decisions threaten your sanity. Other days, you see it. You see the hard work, late nights, and discipline finally paying off.

Parenting is hugely important. Strong families are the backbone of strong societies and cultures. Without strong parents building strong children, cultures become paralyzed and stagnant. Parents, you’re shaping the eternal trajectory of your children.

But, let’s be honest, children aren’t easy to read. I still can’t understand why they don’t come with instructions. And the whole thing happens so fast. One minute a huge ball protrudes my wife’s belly. The next moment the huge ball pees on the nurse. Here I am today, just days away from the huge ball’s fourth birthday.

The days are long. The years are short.

You have a short time to prepare your children. And beyond the poker faces are real needs. For children to thrive in today’s world, with its unique complexities and challenges, here are some things they need.

1.) Your marriage to take priority over them

Children demand time and resources. You should serve them and provide for them. You should invest in their present and future.

And one of the best ways to invest in your children is to invest in your marriage.

If your children take priority over your marriage, you will lose your children and your marriage. Your children will become idols, never living up to your expectations, and you will always expect more from them than they can give.

In the Powell house, we aren’t perfect, but Tiffani and I let our boys know mommy and daddy’s relationship is important. I tell them mommy is important to me. When Tiffani and I talk, they can’t interrupt. We’re are affectionate in front of our children. I want them to see Tiffani and I prioritizing our marriage.

2.) To see you live out your faith, not just talk about it

Your children might listen to your words, but they will follow your actions.

You can’t pass down faith you don’t model. Jesus must impact your decisions. His ways, which are strange and puzzling to the world, must inform your walk. Read Scripture with your children. Talk about Jesus at home. But don’t leave him there when you take the kids to the ballpark. Don’t talk about justice and never help those in need.

You might think your children are naive. Maybe you’re right. But you’re also naive if you think they aren’t watching (and modeling) your actions.

3.) A life without constant connection to technology

Whether your children are newborns, toddlers, or teenagers, it’s your job to disconnect them from technology. When your default response to boredom or public tantrums is technology, you build a craving in them for entertainment. You’re teaching them that life is a never-ending Disneyland experience. And you’re the tour guide. It’s not your job to entertain your children every waking moment. And it’s not your job to protect them from boredom.

I’m not against technology. But you need boundaries. Establish times when technology isn’t allowed, starting with the dinner table. Allow your children to feel boredom and work through it. It’s fun to visit Disneyland every few years. It’s exhausting when you try to bring Disneyland to your living room.

4.) Encourage them more than you correct them

Certain days, my vocabulary shrinks down to two words: no and stop. It’s so easy to highlight the negative. When your children mess up, it’s obvious. But what about the things they do right? Are you highlighting those?

As a parent, your yeses should outweigh your nos.

How often do you say, “I’m proud of you,” “I love you,” or “I’m thankful for you”? You have no idea of the power in affirmation. As a teenager, I longed for this, especially from my dad. I wanted to hear “I love you” from him so bad.

I knew he loved me, but I rarely heard it. And this left a seed of doubt in my mind.

Every day, your children make good choices. If you don’t verbalize them, it’s not just unfortunate. It’s bad stewardship. James 3 says words are like a destructive fire. Well, the opposite is also true. Words build up. Affirmative words that go unspoken are equivalent to extravagant gifts that go unopened.

Are you affirming your children? Do you build up more than you tear down?

5.) To know life isn’t fair

There’s a disturbing trend in America, especially in youth sports culture. It’s called the “participation trophy effect.” I just made that up, so don’t cite some copyright law. I won’t respond to you.

The “participation trophy effect” says everyone is a winner.

“It’s okay, Billy. You didn’t win the game. But you still get a trophy. Everyone’s a winner out here.”

No, they’re not.

I’m so grateful for my background in sports. They taught me about life. And I learned more from defeat than victory. Participation trophys don’t prepare your children for real life. In real life, not everyone gets a trophy. There are winners and losers. But, through loss and rejection, you learn. You develop perseverance and grit. Defeat might break you down, but you have an opportunity to rebuild stronger than before.

I want my boys to see failure, rejection, and loss as essential components of life. I want them to measure self-worth internally, not by a score on a scoreboard. I want them to know excellence and hard work matter. Life doesn’t give you a trophy because you show up. Sometimes you fail. But failure isn’t final.

6.) To say no and protect their boundaries

From the moment my boys could crawl, they pushed our boundaries. If we told them to stay away from the electrical outlet, they crawled to the electrical outlet. If we told them not to stand in the chair, they stood in the chair.

At first, I thought my kids were evil creatures who gained pleasure from my frustration.

Eventually, however, I realized they tested our boundaries because they wanted to ensure they actually existed.

Establish boundaries between your children and your expectations. They should clearly know what is appropriate. But you must also establish boundaries between your children and the endless barrage of activities and opportunities.

You can’t do everything. Your children can’t experience everything. To them, every opportunity looks good. It’s your job to keep your children grounded and prevent them from drowning in activities.

Overcommitment is one of the great idols of American Christianity. We worship this idol because it tells us we’re important and our children are gifted. And, unfortunately, we sacrifice our children on this altar. We enjoy the satisfaction from our children being the best. This gives us importance. But it creates teenagers stretched thin, obsessed with outward achievements, and overcome with anxiety.

Your children might not say this, but they need you to say no.

7.) Help them become the man or woman they were created to be, not who you want them to be

Before becoming a parent, I dreamed about having a son. We would play catch. I would coach his little league team. He would grow into an athletic shortstop and play college baseball.

Somewhere between conception and birth, God started working on my heart. I realized my dreams weren’t about my son at all. They were about me. I wanted to relive the moments that highlighted my childhood. God challenged me to see my children like he does, without pre-conceived expectations.

Maybe my children will play baseball and golf like their old man. But I’m much more concerned with helping them become the men and women God created them to be. As parents, this should be your goal. Help your children recognize their gifts, those things they naturally do well. Give them space to explore and try new things. Don’t impose your expectations on them.

And never compare your children. They’re created uniquely, not equally. The barometer for your children isn’t a sibling or your friends’ kids. It’s the mirror. Teach them to compete against the person they were yesterday, not the person beside them.

Your greatest competition in the fight for greatness is the man in the mirror. Stop comparing your children. Start challenging them to be the best version of themselves.

8.) Talk about sex and other hard topics early and often

My youngest son is almost three, but he’s already curious about the body. He asks about different “parts” and why boy and girls don’t “look the same.” So (cue the awkwardness) we’ve already had a sex talk with him. Not like the one he’ll receive as a teenager. But we’ve explained that God created boys and girls with certain body parts. We also explained that God created Micah’s “parts” only for Micah, and Noah’s “parts” for Noah. No one should touch their “parts” and they shouldn’t touch other’s “parts.”

That’s elementary, yes.

But Tiffani and I are determined not to dodge the uncomfortable subjects. Growing up, I had one painfully awkward sex talk. Literally, it was painful. It’s like an unexpected bombshell of private parts and words you can’t pronounce blows up in your face, severing your desire to ever discuss sex with your parents.

Rather than dropping a bombshell on your children, why not teach them about sex like you would other things God created? Why not diffuse the awkward bomb with periodic conversations?

You can’t avoid the hard subjects. Your children will inevitably learn about sex. They will hear about drugs and alcohol. The question is who will tell them?

To sit back and assume they’ll figure it out is bad parenting. Sex is a beautiful gift from God. But when it’s used outside of God’s boundaries, sex destroys. And if you don’t create a culture of open dialogue, your children will find a culture that does. And that usually doesn’t end well.

9.) Pray for them, with them, and over them

I plead with you to pray for your children, whether they’re a few days old or few days from graduation. I would not be here without the flood of prayers from my parents and close friends.

Tiffani and I pray with our boys every night. We also pray over them, individually. We pray for their future spouse. We pray for God to surround them with a Christ-centered community. We pray for God to protect their heart and mind.

Prayer trumps any parenting style. It’s also a blanket of grace, covering your mistakes and failures. When your children struggle, this blanket catches them.

Prayer changes things.

__________________

I don’t have parenting figured out. It’s incredibly weighty and difficult, but it’s also immensely rewarding. By God’s grace, you’re shaping the eternal trajectory of your children.

Although the world is complex and loaded with pitfalls, your children can thrive if you give them what they need.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

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The Solution To Disappointment, Cynicism, And Disney World

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell

In two months, our family leaves for Disney World. It will be my first trip to the “happiest place on earth.” Between the Disney characters, rides, and sites, I’m afraid Tiffani will be parenting myself and our two boys.

Like most families, especially those with small children, we’re planning our trip ahead of time. After consulting friends and searching Google, one piece of advice was fairly consistent.

If you’re traveling with small kids, only plan one activity per day. Everything else is icing on the cake. Lowering the bar will help you enjoy the overall experience.

Lower the bar?

First, you advise me to buy a fanny pack. Now, you’re telling me to lower the bar? This is ‘Merica. We don’t lower bars. I want my boys to see everything. Okay, maybe I want to see everything. But they’ll be with me. So, whatever.

This is the problem with the current state of things. The bar is too high. It has been raised to impossible heights. We want to visit Disney World one time and see every character, watch every musical, and experience every ride.

Something about the way we’re wired longs for the next big thing. It’s the reason we spend $20 to watch a movie even though we know the outcome. It’s why we buy a new car when the one in our driveway runs fine. It’s why we leave our spouse for someone else.

We’re searching for the perfect life, the one we watch in a theater where the couple lives happily ever after. The one we see on TV where a new car brings the family together. The one we create in our mind where a new love brings us the peace and excitement we can’t find with our spouse.

But that life is a pipe dream. It’s a fairy tale land where Skittles and donuts don’t make you fat, everyone looks like a model, and no one frowns. Ever.

I’ve believed (and taught) for years that Christ is the only answer to the void in your heart. He’s the answer to all your problems. Well, I have a confession. I’ve been a Christian for over 8 years, and the void is still there.

Here’s why. I’ve asked Jesus to answer a question he never asked. “How do you find the good life on earth?” I’ve tried to rebuild Eden. I’ve bought the lie that says something or someone can accomplish now what God will accomplish later, a perfect life.

My wife will never complete me. My job will never give me worth. My bank account will never provide total security. And all the friends in the world won’t end my struggle with validation.

We’ve placed impossible expectations on people, relationships, jobs, and circumstances. And it’s created a world where disappointment is the air we breathe and contentment is a rare material.

If you’re exhausted from breathing in disappointment, hoping the next big thing will bring the life you always wanted, I want to propose a solution.

Lower your expectations.

That’s right, lower your expectations. Lower than that. Even lower. Like “the time you ‘walked in’ on your parents” low.

I’m not asking you to embrace a “doom and gloom” life. I’m also not asking you to lower your standards. I’m asking you to pop the utopian bubble and embrace reality.

Impossible expectations destroy your self-worth.

There’s a self-worth problem in our culture. The photoshopped models and social media feeds have destroyed our confidence and self-worth. Every picture screams, “I’m perfect. Who cares if I took the same picture 30 times and ran it through 20 filters. I look good.”

It’s not real, yet we allow filtered photos to say we’re not good enough. We’ve allowed social media and magazine covers to create an impossible bar for acceptance and contentment. So, we starve ourselves. Gorge ourselves. Marry the gym. And divorce our real life. All in the hopes that we’ll measure up to a fake world.

What’s worse, when we allow unrealistic standards to destroy our self-worth, we become incapable of healthy relationships with others. As Jesus said, love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Impossible expectations diminish your capacity for compassion.

We struggle to love others because we’re constantly disappointed in them. Whether it’s the President or the homeless guy, we expect everyone to respond a certain way, our way. When they don’t (and they rarely do), we become frustrated. And continued disappointment leads to cynicism.

Rather than accepting people for who they are, we feel the need to change them. Rather than understanding everyone has flaws and loving them as humans, we believe others must conform to a certain standard before being accepted. The bar is too high. Our expectations (realistic or not) won’t change anyone. Not your spouse. Not the homeless guy on the corner.

The only way to love people, and grow in compassion, is to accept them as they are.

Impossible expectations destroy the joy of marriage.

The impossibly high expectations placed on marriage have destroyed more relationships than any affair or financial misuse. It’s not all our fault, though. Every romantic movie basically tells the same destructive lie.

“When someone knocks you off your feet, you will inevitably experience conflict. But eventually you will move past the hard times and live happily ever after.”

For years, we’ve poured time and money into watching this message. Sugar and popcorn in hand, we pile into uncomfortable seats, watch an unrealistic portrayal of romantic love, and leave dreaming of the day when our happily ever after comes.

Only, it never does.

We expect marriage to end our loneliness, complete in us what’s lacking, and cure cancer.

No wonder the first year of marriage is so hard. Years of Hollywood flicks. Late night conversations. Fairy tale dreams. When their powers combine, you get the perfect scenario for an epic letdown. Usually within the first week, you realize the hero you married is just a human. Your knight in shiny armor (or fairy tale princess) doesn’t solve your problems. They burp, yell, and act selfishly. And there’s no happily ever after.

Impossible expectations paint God as an angry Master.

Maybe you’re like me, and you expected God to fix your life. I wouldn’t say that, but I express it every time conflict showed up at my door. I expected Go to end my problems and create a perfect life on earth.

Unfortunately, even the church has contributed to the false utopia. A God who makes everything better is appealing. He also attracts large crowds. So, many churches place numbers on the altar and tell the real God to take a permanent vacation.

Here’s the truth.

Following Jesus won’t make your life better, at least not in fairy tale terms. If you become a Christian today, it will be the best decision you ever make…but you will still encounter conflict, heartache, and loss.

“Frank, that sounds like a terrible decision.”

But it’s not. There’s a reason all of us long for the next big thing. We long for wholeness and completion, for utopia. Millions have spent their entire lives trying to find it and failed. That life isn’t possible on this earth. But eventually all of those who love God will experience a world beyond our wildest dreams. This is our hope through suffering, pain, and loss. We know something better than a fairy tale awaits.

______________

Here’s what I’m starting to realize.

When you stop expecting perfection from yourself, you enjoy looking in the mirror a little more. When you no longer expect people to make the right decision or act a certain way, you’re free to love them for who they are. When you stop expecting another human to complete you, marriage becomes a beautiful picture of grace and love. And, when you stop expecting God to make your life better, you see him as a loving Father instead of an angry Master.

Maybe expecting less from people, situations, and circumstances will help us enjoy them for who (or what) they are. Maybe waking up every day, being grateful for the present moment (good, bad, or otherwise) will allow us to enjoy life rather than expecting a perfect one.

Maybe the fanny pack parents were right. Lowering your expectations will help you enjoy the overall experience.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

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Relationships

7 Things Your Husband Needs (But Won’t Tell You)

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell

Several years ago I graduated with a degree in civil engineering. But this wasn’t my first choice. That title belonged to chemical engineering. I chose chemical over civil engineering because they make lots of money (and partly because the title is more impressive). After all, I thought, engineering curriculums are created equal, so why not choose the one that makes more money

Idiot.

The first day on campus, my first class was Mass and Energy Balances. I moseyed in, grabbed a seat, and listened to the teacher speak in a foreign language for over an hour. After class, I marched straight to my academic counselor. Yes, I changed majors after one class.

With men, the story is similar. Culture paints every man with the same brush. Sex-crazed. Unaware. Irresponsible. Ignorant.

All engineering curriculums are basically the same, right?

While the cultural caricature of men generates laughs, it also dismisses their unique complexity. Every engineering curriculum presents unique challenges, and every man is uniquely complex. Men have legitimate needs. But most of them aren’t verbalized. So, I’m going to help.

Here are 7 things your husband needs (but won’t tell you).

1.) To provide for his family

Men are wired for provision. This desire is innate, giving to us by our Creator. Too often, however, we equate “provider” with “breadwinner.” While God created men with a desire to work (and work hard), the breadwinner ideology is American culture stuff, not God stuff.

In modern America, many women work and excel in their field. This was almost unheard of thirty years ago, but I have guy friends who stay at home with the kids while their wife works.

The point is this. Men, your wife might be the breadwinner for your family (my wife makes more than I do). But this says nothing about your inability to provide.

Providing is about creating an environment where those you love can grow. This includes finances, but it’s much, much more. Growth is multi-faceted. Here are a few examples of what it means to provide for your family.

  1. Be present and consistent. They show up. They don’t abandon their family.
  2. Create a culture of positivity. Positivity is essential to growth.
  3. Prioritize Jesus. They make difficult decisions regarding family outings, children’s activities, etc. because nothing comes before Jesus.
  4. Challenge everyone to use his or her gifts.
  5. Work hard. Whether it’s a burger flipper or Fortune 500 CEO, a man who provides for his family is a hard worker.
  6. Make integrity a priority.

The points above have nothing to do with money, but they’re incredibly valuable. They’re the ingredients of a healthy culture. While they may or may not produce men and women with full bank accounts, they will produce hearts and minds filled with love and joy.

2.) A teammate, not an opponent

From my fifth birthday until I graduated high school, I participated in team sports. I was on crazy talented teams and ridiculously awful ones. Here’s what I noticed. The most talented team rarely wins the grand prize. The team that plays together and sells out for one another almost always wins the gold.

In other words, a cohesive team trumps a talented team.

Cohesive teams support one another. They build up one another. When one teammate struggles, the others pick him or her up. Personal accomplishments and awards take a backseat to the team’s success. You get the idea.

The same is true for marriage. There is a rarely discussed, but very important, word in marriage…synergy. Strong marriages have great synergy. The two sides work together. The desires of the husband match those of his wife. They share common a mission and values.

Husbands want their wives to fight with them, not against them. Marriage isn’t a battlefield. Well, it is. But husbands and wives aren’t on opposing teams. Too often, Satan’s greatest tactic to destroy marriages is allowing the relationship to implode. This shouldn’t be.

Wives, your husband might lead your family, but this doesn’t mean he drags the family along. Jump in the field with him. Don’t just get behind him. Stand beside him.

3.) Respect

Respect is to a marriage what oxygen is to our body. You can’t see it. But when it’s absent, everything dies. Respect is the universal love language of men. When a man feels disrespected, the “fit hits the shan.” Even elementary kids get this. How many recess skirmishes result from one boy disrespecting another? All of them.

Respect can be vague, like a word only people in unicorn land can define. But, as a self-appointed Leprechaun, I have access to unicorn land. Women, here’s what it looks like to respect your husband.

  1. Your praise is public and your criticism is private.
  2. You laugh with him, not at him.
  3. You don’t belittle his judgment or make fun of his decisions.
  4. You shine light on his strengths, not his weaknesses.

Men want to be trusted. Insecurity is a silent disease for most of us. Few avoid it. Those who do live in a culture where respect is prioritized.

4.) Sex

Culture paints men as out-of-control animals who need sex slightly more than food. This is unfortunate because it underestimates the holistic benefits of sex. For most men, sex is more than an animalistic longing aimed at fulfilling a physical desire.

Sex bonds emotionally. It connects men to their wife. It reduces physical stress and frustration. It joins a man’s mind and heart to his wife. Specifically for men, sex builds confidence, assuring them that their wife still wants him.

Wives, your husband probably won’t tell you he needs sex (or maybe he will). But you can watch his non-verbal communication. When frustration increases, tension grows stronger, or he feels less confident, sex could be the problem. It’s time to restore the gift of sex. It’s a gift from God with multiple benefits for both sides.

5.) Friends, hobbies, and space

Tiffani and I battled this for years. She couldn’t understand why I enjoyed playing golf. Over time, I became hesitant to ask. Instead, I advised my boys to shoot me a text message asking to play golf or watch a movie.

Please stop judging me.

Anyway, guys need friends outside of their spouse. To be honest, a relationship where two people spend every waking moment with one another is unhealthy. Even if you enjoy one another’s company, that’s great. But there’s a big world out there filled with many different personalities. Make some friends. Put yourself out there.

Husbands and wives should create space for hobbies and buffer zones. Women, I know you don’t understand this (quite frankly I don’t either), but men enjoy buffer zones, especially after work. When he walks in the door, allow him a few minutes to wind down and process the day.

6.) To be seen as a human, not a superhero

For my fifth birthday, I asked for a Superman cape. Unfortunately, at that time, I was unaware of the relationship between humans and gravity. After receiving my cape, I quickly jolted outside. Tossing the cape around my back, I grabbed my Red Ryder wagon, took a few steps, and jumped.

Dumb. Move.

Apparently, the whole Superman flying thing only works on TV.

But the whole superhero thing is a reality, especially for men. Culture places impossible expectations on us. We must succeed at everything. If our business is struggling, we’re must be the savior. If our family needs help, we must provide. There’s no room for mistakes or weakness. The world’s problems are on our shoulders.

Now, get to work. Superman.

Wives, your husband probably won’t tell you this, but he’s tired of being expected to solve every problem. He has weaknesses. He often struggles with insecurity. Many times, he feels inadequate.

Let your relationship be a safe place for your husband to be open and honest. Give him space to share his flaws. Let him know you don’t need a superhero. And you certainly don’t need a savior.

7.) Verbal affirmation

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” There’s something powerful about verbal affirmation. Wives, you may or may not be physically stronger than your husband. But you have the power to destroy him. Never doubt that. Many men lose their spirit (and will) as the result of a woman’s verbal assault.

Behind every strong, confident man is a woman who builds him up with her words.

As a blogger and pastor, I receive my share of both criticism and praise. But one word of encouragement from Tiffani impacts me more than a thousand from people I don’t know. The same is true for hurtful words.

Wives, your husband isn’t perfect. You could point out a hundred things he does wrong. But he also does something well. Tell him. Don’t assume he knows. Build up your “BAE.” Here are a few statements wives can say to build up their husband.

  1. “I trust you.”
  2. “I believe in you.”
  3. “I’m thankful for you.”
  4. “I appreciate everything you do for our family.”
  5. “I’m glad I married you.”
  6. “I love you.”
  7. “You’re sexy.”
  8. “You’re a great husband/father.”

When Tiffani says “I believe in you” or “I trust you,” I hear “She doesn’t think marrying me was a mistake.” Verbal affirmation tells your husband you’re with him and for him. Women, if you make this a daily habit, your marriage will improve. Start today.

______________

It’s time to drop the cultural caricature. Men need more than sex and food. God created us uniquely complex. Men, embrace your complexity. Don’t sell yourself short by embracing the world’s picture. Women, don’t transpose the culture’s false narrative onto your husband. He’s a man, created in the image of God. See him this way.

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

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10 Things Your Wife Won’t Tell You She Needs

by Frank Powell
written by Frank Powell

I remember watching What Women Want not long after its release in 2001. The movie chronicles a man, Nick Marshall, who receives a fresh perspective on women after a fluke accident. And by “fresh perspective,” I mean he has the ability to read women’s minds. Sounds fascinating, right? I thought so too.

Then I watched the movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I laughed quite often. But I was also terrified. I left the theater with one of those “I just saw a ghost” looks. Totally dazed and confused. For like two hours, I vowed never to date a woman again. I would be single the rest of my life, maybe become a monk or something. Singleness would be easier than trying to figure out a woman.

Fast forward 15 years. I’ve been married to an amazing woman for over 6 years, we have two children, and our marriage gets better every day. I’m still convinced women are the most beautifully complex beings on earth, but it’s possible to understand what they need.

By no means do I have women (or anything else, for that matter) figured out. I’m only 30. I’ve only been married 6 years. So, I don’t write as an expert. Instead, I write as a man who loves his wife and wants to know her better. If you’ve ever thought, “I just can’t figure her out” maybe this post can be a launching pad to deeper conversations with your spouse.

Here are 10 things your wife won’t tell you she needs.

1.) Security and protection

The world is uncertain and unreliable, and your wife needs you to create a culture of stability, a place where she can rest from the world’s craziness.

Your wife also wants you to protect your marriage from outside attacks. And I’m not talking about physical attacks (although, of course, that’s part of it). She wants you to fight for purity. Here’s an example. A man I would call my second father told this story several years ago. While living in Florida, his wife stayed at home with the kids. More days than not, she went to the beach. That’s what you do in Florida. But not this man. He never went. Ever.

At this point in his story, I was puzzled. Who would choose to stay away from the beach? Sun. Sand. Sharks. What more could you want? Then he explained why, and I will never forget his words.

“At the time, I struggled with lust, and protecting the purity of our marriage meant more than a few hours of relaxation.”

That’s called fighting for your marriage.

The greatest threat to your marriage is, of course, Satan. So, husbands, if you want evil to stay outside, you must let Jesus in. Every day, make sure your wife knows Jesus is the most important person in your marriage.

2.) Undivided attention

Husbands, your wife needs your undivided attention. She wants to feel valued. Making sure you focus on her is a huge component of feeling valued. And, guys, you need to know something about undivided attention. The word “undivided” means…not divided.

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

Right. But most husbands don’t understand why their wife doesn’t feel valued even though they sat on the couch together for three hours. Here’s why. You stared at the TV or your phone most of the time while occasionally nodding your head, pretending to listen. That’s called divided attention.

Guys, you’re not spending quality time with her because you’re in the same general area. This isn’t about proximity. This is about posture and attitude. When you wife speaks, look at her. Eye contact says you’re valuable.

Your wife won’t tell you this, but she needs undivided attention. And she should. If you don’t turn off the TV or put down the phone when your wife speaks, you’re not just sending your wife a signal. You’re sending yourself one. You’re saying your relationship isn’t important.

3.) Open and Honest Communication

Generally speaking, guys don’t want details. If I’m talking with friends, I don’t care for details. If they’re are necessary for making a decision, by all means, give me the details. Otherwise, I only need the important stuff.

Your wife is wired differently. When she says, “How was your day?” she wants the details. “It was good” is more of a slap in the face than a sufficient response to her question. Your wife loves you, and she wants to know everything about you, even stuff you consider insignificant. But she probably won’t tell you this.

Communication is the linchpin of a healthy relationship. Anytime I withhold information from Tiffani, whether I am scared of how she will respond, I want to “protect” her, or I just don’t have the energy to share all the details, it goes bad. The longer I’m married, the more I realize the importance of open and honest communication.

Even if openly communicating means revealing painful information, your marriage will be better off in the long run. For many years, I hid a pornography addiction from Tiffani. She discovered my addiction only when she opened my computer and stumbled across a pornographic site. I was always afraid to tell her because I didn’t want to hurt her. Turns out, the wound she sustained was deeper (and took longer to heal) because she discovered it rather than me being honest with her.

Husbands, your wife (and your relationship) needs open and honest communication.

4.) Help with daily tasks.

Marriages don’t have assigned tasks. You won’t hear phrases like “that’s her job” in a healthy marriage. Whether your wife stays at home or works 9-5, you should help with daily tasks. And husbands, know this. She probably won’t tell you she wants help. But she does.

So, change a diaper without being asked. Fold the clothes. Clean the dishes. Maybe you’re tired from work. Maybe your wife doesn’t like to clean. But instead of coming home and telling her exactly how you feel, be a servant. Clean the house yourself. Pick up the dishes yourself. There can be times when circumstances won’t allow one to do this on a regular basis, but the cleaning doesn’t have to stop; not when there is Maid2Match online cleaning service.

Help your wife. Do so without being asked. Her respect for you will increase exponentially.

5.) A break

Culture places impossible expectations on women. Your wife feels those expectations. She might be completely overwhelmed. She might feel totally inadequate. She might be exhausted, sick, or hurting. But she won’t tell you. And if you ask, she will probably say, “I’m fine.”

Husbands, first and foremost, you should understand the weighty expectations on your wife. Be sympathetic to them. Secondly, you must look beyond the words. Don’t ignore them, but don’t accept them either. Watch her. Study her. When you notice her struggling, step in and give her a break. Give her permission to sit down or get out of the house.

Ask her what needs to be done, and do those things. This will not only help her, it will improve your marriage. 

6.) A leader

Before diving into this point, let’s define leadership. You ready? One word…servant.

Leading your wife has nothing to do with rigid rules or doing things your way. It’s not about control, manipulation, or selfish gain. Husbands, if you use power selfishly way, God will hold you accountable.

If you want to know whether you’re leading your wife well, look at whether she lives with courage. Is she unafraid to fail? Is she using her gifts? Show me a woman who feels empowered and isn’t afraid to fail, and I will show you a husband who leads well.

Great leaders empower others.

My relationship is healthiest when I make Jesus the top priority, take my job seriously, choose hard decisions over easy ones, and serve my wife. Husbands are the bedrock of the home. Selfish, passive husbands create unhealthy marriages (and families).

Don’t be one of those.

7.) Intimacy

Women need intimacy. This comes in many different ways. Undivided attention is one component. Holding her is another. Sex is yet another. But, husbands, you need to understand something. Your wife doesn’t see sex like you. Guys love the outcome of sex (the climatic ending). Women love this too, but they also love the process. For women, sex is emotional, as well as physical.

Husbands, if you’re selfish sexually, your wife will be reluctant to have sex with you (and, quite frankly, I don’t blame her.) For much of my marriage, I was very selfish with sex. And it affected our relationship. Explore sex with your wife. Caress her. Hold her. Talk about sex with her.

Your wife probably won’t tell you this, but she needs more than physical pleasure. She needs intimacy. Don’t be selfish sexually. Try things her way for a change. Think about her needs. In turn, your sex life (and your marriage) will improve.

8.) Thoughtfulness 

I don’t care much about dates. I know like five birthdays. One of those is mine. I can’t tell you how many times Tiffani has said, “Do you know it’s ________ birthday?” My wife NEVER misses a birthday. Her record on remembering birthdays is near perfect.

Guys, you might not care about birthdays and anniversaries, but your wife does. And, I’m not talking about remembering her birthday. God knows that would be a fatal error. This is about prioritizing birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine’s, or any other day she thinks is important.

The word here is thoughtfulness. Again, your wife wants to feel valued. When you prioritize special days, she feels valued.

Thoughtfulness also includes random text messages, reminding her you’re thankful for her. It means planning date nights. Basically, thoughtfulness means you think about her. Because here’s the thing. You can know you’re thankful for your wife, but if you don’t show her, it means nothing. She needs to know you love her.

She probably won’t tell you this, however. If you don’t go out of your way to make her feel valued, particularly on the “special” days, she might express frustration or sadness. Eventually, however, she will accept your actions as the way things are, but her doing this will hurt your relationship.

9.) Permission to be imperfect

Husbands, you must take the lead here. If you never talk about flaws or failures, your wife won’t either. But your wife (much like yourself) needs a space where she can be imperfect. She needs a space where she doesn’t have to put on a mask and pretend everything is ok.

Husbands, you must create this space.

This means listening, especially when she talks about her feelings. You might think her issues are trivial. You’d be wrong. If you write her off, eventually she will stop sharing and spend her days trying to be perfect.

There won’t be a declaration before this happens. You won’t hear, “That’s it. I tried sharing my feelings and being vulnerable. From this point forward, you won’t know how I’m feeling.” It will just happen. If or when your wife does this, your marriage will take an enormous hit. Fight for this space.

10.) Fun

Your wife doesn’t want you to fly her around the world as much as she wants day-to-day marriage to be fun. Marriage is ordinary and routine. But it should never be boring. A fun relationship can’t be bought. If it could, only a small percentage of couples would have fun. Everyone else would twiddle their thumbs until they died. How miserable!

The key to an adventurous marriage is finding the extraordinary in the mundane. Be present every day. Be spontaneous. Find ways to have fun in the familiar. Look for opportunities in the ordinary.

Your wife won’t tell you this, but she wants marriage to be fun and adventurous. And she should.

God created it, after all.

_____________

It’s possible to know what your wife really needs. Discovering her underneath needs will require much effort, constant communication, and a steady stream of grace from both sides. But it can happen.

It’s your turn. I would love to hear from you. Wives, what do you really want from your husband? Husbands, what does your wife really want? Leave a comment below!

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

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